飛鳥與蒲公英

萬綠叢中一點白
蒲公英浸在陽光微風裡
享受簡單的美麗
只要專注自己的成長
只要期待春風一起
便可自由自在飛上天

蒼穹無際一雙翼
飛鳥乘著東來的五月風
眺望遠方的伊甸
知道專注自己的目標
知道因為有著目的
才能自由自在天上飛

蒲公英知道如何飛
卻忘了自己是為了灑籽撥種而飛
所以知道恣意享受簡單
卻沒能乘著東風
與飛鳥抵達遙遠的伊甸

飛鳥和蒲公英的相遇
就像珊瑚海邊的海鳥和魚
不過只是一場意外

御姐戰爭開始！？

不是開玩笑的，我看我真的可能會變成御姐戰爭的導火線...
今天下午在Downtown翻完最後一篇數學教材後，走去了人滿為患的公車站等19路~
就跟預期一樣，19路到站時整台爆滿，擠了五個人就走了~
留下站牌旁十幾個人痴等下一班車...

我老早就看慣這種場面了~
想要搭上公車，就往前走道Granville Pacific Mall前面的站牌，保證有位子坐~
可是才沒走個幾步，肩膀卻被輕拍~
轉頭一看，是氣喘吁吁的Kelly~
"I saw the bus and I ran, but there were too many people"
我就笑著帶他去下一站等車了~
公車上聊了天南地北，我實在沒想到一個韓國女生居然可以一下中文一下英文跟我抬槓~
不過也是因為這樣，才知道了他是Christian~
也難怪他對人多了幾分平常韓國年輕女生沒有的親切~
走到他Homestay家門，碰巧遇見了她的Homestay Mom，也就順便寒喧問好聊了聊~
不過說也巧，這位轟媽一語驚人:
"Oh Scott! Kelly and Yunni both mentioned about you as that nice guy at the basketball court."
眼角餘光看見了Kelly有小小尷尬~ LOL
趕緊順勢跟Kelly道了一聲謝謝，然後與轟媽道別回家了~

晚上練球時，果然又只有Yunni出來~
"Kelly is in downtown again~ I am alone again~"
Yunni他總是半帶慵懶又無奈地跟我說~
前兩天發現灌小學另一邊高的籃框，是一件很有意思的事~
今天就多玩了幾個切入灌籃的花招~
打個二十幾分鐘後，回頭看看Yunni好像也有打算要聊天的樣子，就索性轉身去找Yunni問候~
這一問候，就聊了十幾分鐘，也才知道Yunni也是個相當會聊天的女孩~
果然在Reeboks市場部工作，就是不太一樣~ LOL
前兩天還說自己沒有Kelly一樣外向，根本就是說著客套的~
Yunni趕在八點American's Next Top Model開始之前，趕緊道晚安準備回家了~
"See you tomorrow~"
她這麼笑著說~ 好像我明天一定也會出現在籃球場上一樣~

不過...明天下雨呢~
下次要再見，我看也要一個禮拜吧~
接下來的相遇，就要端看到底我與哪位御姐更有緣了~
可是她們轟媽的口氣，讓我感到有些擔心...
一個不小心，我可真要成了御姐戰爭的導火線了~@_@

不是不懂

也許只是忘了
人與人之間要留有三分餘地
一句話出口前要三思
要記得設身處地
要讓話說了出去對得起自己
不會為此後悔

那是我從國中開始
漸漸體會的道理
人是感情的動物
有著腦下垂體驅動全身的喜怒哀樂
表現感情固然可以
可要忘了一句話帶著兩面鋒
結果必然不好
回想兩位國中同學為了考試成績
大打出手
相互叫罵
終至老死不相往來
最後只追逤到
開始的一句無心之語
只想表現自己的情緒
卻因為逞那一時口舌之快
失去了從小學以來要好的感情

是啊
我們都知道這番道理
都知道人際關係是靠著
處處留人餘地
句句設身處地
才能一磚一瓦搭建起來的
可是要一個不小心
即使是無心地忘記了
這樣一句話
就算是天高的樓也會坍塌殆盡
光看我爸與他三十年的老同學
一句無心的玩笑便鬧翻臉
於此可見幾分

這樣的態度
最終出自人與人之間的基本尊重
記得兩年前Nike球鞋廣告
為北美黑人中下階層社會
下了一個最好的註腳
「Respect」
儘管那些街頭Rappers看去再怎麼兇神惡煞
再怎麼不可一世
相互見面依然是以尊重為上
這樣的一幕
和中華文化裡的謙卑唯恭
儼然有異曲同工之妙

今天突然心血來潮
午夜兩點寫了這些
也是回想了過去小學國中
發生過的種種不快
才知道自己當初的不成熟
才知道現在也該引以為鑑
砥礪自己
別讓自己一個不小心
落入了人際紛爭的窠臼

"So where has Kelly been these days? At home?"
"No. She went to Rockey Mountain for this weekend~"
Yuni跳著繩回答我。

啊~ Rockey Mountain~
來了加拿大七年又兩個月的我
在北美的旅遊範圍
最西只到Victoria
最東只到Chilliwack
最北只到Whistler
最南只到Tacoma
而這些來溫哥華留學的小妹們
在Downtown唸不到一個月的語言學校
就已經徹底打敗我了~ @-@
As a Canadian, I failed myself silly...orz

昨天跟Olivia在線上聊了兩個多小時
聽他在Stanford的頭一個學期
一個人住Dorm的連筐趣事
搞得我也好想趕緊飛去東岸開始獨居
落地第一目標就是搞一部車
然後開始我企劃已久的Ebay Store
在當地接些家教學生
多混些社團活動認識更多朋友
晚上才能有酒同歡有歌同唱
啊啊~~~~~~~~

我已經聞到展翅高飛的清香~

我的改變

缺少，所以追尋
我為寫在這裡的這段故事打下了句點
然後開了下一個章節
新的故事給了讀者一個新的世界觀
新的人物，新的舞台，新的氛圍
就連主角，都是新的

新的劇本隱然否決了陳舊延滯
新的抬頭毅然撕下了碎裂畫布
方才劃破血色的兩把銀匕
也在岩男潤子Scarlet曲後
為我碎了棄稿的廢紙
為我開了桌前的璃窗

劇中遊樂園缺少的陽光重現了
多虧編劇決定取下黑藍色的天幕
暗紅色鑰盒也褪了光
取而代之的是敞開的園區大門
讓新的一章充滿了更多的活力和生氣

這裡是天堂
正在追尋快樂的真諦

掉了

啊
我似乎在岔路後的顛簸卵石路上
掉了一本繪著比翼鷺的珍貴筆記
灑了一地想要重修的蘋果紅拼圖
忘了一份打下輪廓的藍圖草稿

從岔路另一頭長來的薔薇
絆了我一路昏頭轉向
刺了我一身刻骨銘心
掉了我一只抑鬱思緒

所以走吧
選擇更東的岔路
選擇與薔薇和血色漸行漸遠
選擇點頭微笑寒喧帶過
選擇不再擔心受怕
選擇心之所向的彼方

啊
我想我忘了我掉了什麼了

你相信嗎？

儘管只有短短三個月
一點信心
一點努力
或許真的會有奇蹟出現

已經不再抓住過去
仰望即見的藍天早已不占心中一席
已經不再欺騙自己
隨手可及的草莓早已不復以往香甜
不想要隨便為自己立下誓言
不想要輕易為自己設下目標
遊戲人生的眼光
觀望身邊一切

但溫哥華呀
這個宿命之地
總選在人們最不設防
最淨心無欲的時候
給了近在咫呎卻不可強求的機運
只有在九月楓落才逢迎
天時、地利、人和

知道只剩短短三個月
-> 可是她也只有半年
知道語言文化會有隔閡
-> 可是她是中文系學生
知道我或許不是她的歸宿
-> 可是路不走不知盡頭在何處
所以我願意相信嗎？
我還不知道
因為我需要
多一點信心
多一點努力

或許
真的會有奇蹟出現...

原來是這樣

你的無心之語在我心中寫下一面又一面灰色日記
你的直言不遜在我心中刪劃一個又一個悔恨不捨
我的擔心一直浮現檯面，我的疑問一直化做惶恐
原來是這樣，原來我看到的不是真實的你

選擇性的倚賴，選擇性的欺瞞
選擇性的溺愛，選擇性的放縱
選擇性的強顏歡笑，選擇性的壓抑情緒
選擇性的偏袒保護，選擇性的逃避現實

難道藏在這些面具下的，這才是真實的你？
活在象牙塔裡的到底是我還是你？
被蒙在鼓裡直到最後一刻的人是我還是你？

原來是這樣
原來我早就看到你真實的一面，只是我欺騙了我自己
原來我就是不敢面對真實的你，所以選擇了隱瞞現實
原來那另一半的壓力，是來自於害怕面對真實的你

那麼，你問我還後悔嗎？
我只說，蟬鳴已經逝了，樹下已無蔭了，冰淇淋已經融了
只剩滿地的紅色玻璃碎片

縫上嘴巴

我不會說的，這輩子沒有人可以知道...
這一年，把過去二十二年沒學會的，不能說的事情，一次學得差不多了...
心情，不能說，因為身邊的人不是忽略，就是認為自做多情...
需求，不能說，因為身邊的人總是以他們的立場，預設你的需要只是多餘...
思念，不能說，因為身邊的人不是早已淡忘，就是不想要我再想起...
為難，不能說，因為不管怎麼做，總要犧牲一方的快樂...


所以，你說我自私，對自己人小氣，對外面人大方...
我回答「嗯」...心裡卻知道沒有這樣做...

所以，你問我為什麼老是花錢在外玩樂...
我回答「嗯」...心裡卻知道想要逃避孤單...

所以，你問我還有多少事情沒告訴你...
我回答「就這樣了」...心裡卻知道還有好多要自己努力彌補...

所以，你告訴我你會幫我...
我回答「我自己可以...」...心裡卻想著，不想要再造成任何人的負擔了...


因為好多話，不能說了...
我知道多說一句話，就會留給你們更多的空間，回頭傷我...
越親近的人，越少了設身處地的心思，越忘了哪些話能說，哪些話不能說...
一路走來看了這麼多，才知道原來最自我中心的人，就在身邊...

所以我想著，我還能跟你們說什麼呢？



...至此打不出字了

成長

當初在尋找太陽的她，現在已經昇華成了藍天...
不知道她是不是更成熟了？不知道她是不是更穩重了？
像藍天一般，永遠對著大地微笑著...
儘管有時烏雲蔽日，雲上的她還是掛著一抹藍色的笑靨...
太陽沒有離開，只是因為與藍天本就相距兩個行星，只能遠遠地看著藍天的笑...

對藍天來說，成長或許太過艱苦殘酷了...
可是藍天撐過了艱苦，忍過了殘酷，走出了短暫的黑夜...
成長，為藍天帶來更溫和的美麗...

但太陽，成長了嗎？
太陽雖然散發著無盡的光熱，卻無法擺脫處在黑暗太空裡的孤獨...
所以帶上了刺眼的面具，笑容裡頭只有虛假...
成長，讓太陽漸漸學會怎麼逃避現實...
可是這樣的成長...正在一點一滴扼殺太陽的純真...

「如果長大這麼痛苦，早知道永遠不要長大了...」

變了

這是第一篇中文的Entry...是一個轉變...變了多少我自己也不知道。

昨天和Iris在線上聊了一下，似乎讓他原本低落的心情有些好轉。他說他也想像我一樣，不管面對多少壓力都能很快樂，還能帶給別人快樂。

「每個人本來都有帶給大家快樂的能力，只是因為這個社會加諸太多壓力於我們，導致我們的本性一一變形了...」我這麼告訴著她，無心間卻又讓自己進了省視的迴圈。

我想，想要知道一個人快不快樂，最簡單的方法就是直言相問。
「你快樂嗎？」
還在學校裡打滾的我們，沒有多少理由會對這樣缺乏侵略性的問題，故意撒謊。
可是，拿這個問題問自己，卻接連觸發了逃避和畏懼的反應。
我想我也不例外。

昨天我又問我自己了，我快樂嗎？
可對這個問題，我已經相當地洩氣，已經不敢再隨便問自己了...
因為我已經忘記上一次我真心地回答「快樂！」的日子...

我確實知道我不快樂，但我卻太過執著，沒想過要讓人知道。
因為無關緊要的人知道了，又能幫我多少？
因為牽連在內的人知道了，又能挽回多少？
所以我私下在尋找倚靠，希望能早點走出黑暗...

可是，就像在溺水時一樣，不管什麼東西都會想要抓...
偏偏浮木就是不在身旁，一不小心就容易抓到帶刺的魚兒...

或許吧，每個人都會偽裝，也許因為害怕，也許因為矜持...
害怕受傷誰都會，可是為此連付出都不敢，與因噎廢食又有何異？
我不確定花那麼多心力保護自己，最後卻讓旁人想要做個深交的朋友都很難，這樣的得失比例是不是有點失衡過當...
因為一個簡單的解釋，比起打結腸子繞彎講話，甚或根本不提細節，並不會讓自己失去自衛的防線，反而可以取得別人的信任...就算是那麼一點點，也比什麼都不說來得好。
姑且不提男女朋友，就連好朋友間，也不會有這種保留七分，含糊兩分，小吐一分的這種互動方式...
若是互動模式僅止於這樣，不如只做服務員和客人，寒喧兩句逢場做戲，交易完成後此生互不相干...

我想我最後追求的快樂，又只是一個短暫的幻影，只是我又一次自己在騙我自己，走下去就能離開黑暗...

和Iris的對話讓我想了很多...
我是不是不夠自私？感情事上往往一頭熱付出過多，然後又會自我催眠，告訴自己這樣值得...最後才知道自己騙了自己，然後又回到一年前的黑暗...
或是我是不是太過自私？是不是我與外界的光明隔絕太久了，上了太多粉飾和偽裝，已經忘了該怎麼與人正常互動？

我不知道，但是我已經決定要改變...
心房，暫時闔了吧...自己知道那樣的美麗燦爛，短時間不會再找到了，也就不用讓傷口上的刺再度刺傷自己了...
心防，可以開了吧...別讓自己隨便掉下坑裡了。身邊太多的假象和虛偽，碰了不過就是讓自己更加受傷而已...

不要再問我快不快樂了...只有命中注定的人能知道，也只會是他來痊癒我的傷口...

Awake and Alone

July 8th was full of anxiety and anger and anguish. I was awake, the only one in this world.

Everybody around me smiles as if nothing has happened. Everybody around me takes this day as another ordinary peaceful sunday. Those in this house have forgot about it; they thought it's trivial and negligible, as they had always thought. Those on msn were, either faking or else, also forgot about it; the lonelies have found the docking deck, and the spectators have left for their own business. Everyone else in this world has slept into a graceful dream, and I am the only one awake and continuing putting together my own shattered heart.

No my tears have never breached my eyelids, because I have given my best effort to stop it. But the ignorance from them were too lethal. The carelessness, the abruptness, they added up so quickly, my mind stopped working. I tried to stop the shadow, and I tried to convince myself that I can soon be in sleep like everybody else. However, it didn't happen. No one in the house tried to understand what has happened, and to at least leave me a peace of mind. And I don't feel like bothering anyone from their deep sleep on msn.

I'd rather keep my sadness inside so that everyone else can be happy.

However, your care has come in a timely fashion. Your simple msn message today told me with certainty that you are there now. Because of you, I know that someone is calling me to sleep, and someone would be there weaving a dream with me. It's you who fed me with strength, and I'm not worried anymore about how long I have to wait, and how long we can stay in the dream, because i know soon I wont be awake and alone anymore.

Peach, thank you for being there.

Hold Me Tight

Im sure you dunno yet, cause we are actually not that far down from newly met.

Within less than one week, the day that means too much to me would hit me so hard, I probably would have lost myself. It's happening.

I told you I was pretty down this sunday, but i didnt really tell you exactly why. It's getting close to me again, the shadow. Since last friday I have been crying every single night, cause the day where the shadow has come into my life is approaching again.

But I understand very clearly that, there is nothing wrong with taking slow steps with you. After all, because im taking this seriously, i am always supposed to be taking you as my top priority; do as much as I can to protect you and make you happy. However, the only thing wrong right now is my cowardliness and weakness. I am afraid of uncertainty; I am afraid of distance; I am afraid of hollowness; I am afraid of gray area...because they all bring the shadow back... they revive the devils from the spring of last year...

My past has never moved out from my house, and I am too weak and too cowardly to discard it myself. This shadow is everywhere, rendering me unable to convince myself that I will not fall and hurt myself when trying to move on.

I am graceful that I am able to meet you and like you, and would like to at least weave some dreams with you. But as for now, I am too weak to even hold a single needle to thread together a collage... Can you please help me? Hold my hands tight and tell me I am not alone. Tell me that the past is gone and the roads ahead is bright and glamorous. All I need is a trace of confidence and sense of safety... By then, my tears would stop, and the shadow would disperse... Can you help me?

I am sorry that I cannot provide you a relationship in which we can move on slowly as friends first... If you have to blame, please blame me and my useless emotions...

Selfishness?

I collapsed last night in tears. I miss her. I should have not broken up with her.

After looking back into this whoel relationship, I decided to broke up mainly because of my parents. I broke up with stella 50% for them and 50% because of them. Stella was never accepted in my family, and I knew it from the very first day we were together. I faught it, I denied it, but finally I realized it wouldnt work out. It is because of my parents' denail on stella that makes me lose the confidence of our future.

But that's not the only reason I gave her up. I ended this relationship to satisfy my parents' expectation. I sacrificed my own happiness to fulfill the family's will. I look to this as a huge devotion to my parents. I swallowed the suffer, the bitter, and the sadness into myself, and pretend everything is fine in front of not only my parents but my friends. But all I ask for is to leave me a quiet time to heal myself. I just need something to distract myself from touching this wound that would possibly never heals. The pain is there, I just dont want to show it.

I thought my parents would know it, and at least give me some more freedom on doing my own stuff. But last night, she said I'm selfish because I'm doing my own stuff most of the time instead of helping them out. That was it. I was stunned in front of my computer, speechless.

Selfish? I gave up stella to cater to your own selfishness. You always treat politics and other matters with emotions more than with rationalities. You were the one with most denials on this relationship beside my dad. You were the one who always tried to convince me to put an end on this whole thing. And I did this for you. That is Your Selfishness, and I gave up My Love to satisfy Your Selfishness.

You seemed very detached from matters like love relationships, but it doesnt mean that just because I am your son I should behave the same way. Love means a lot to me, and to give it up takes away a large part from me, too. You thought it's nothing only because I didnt cry in front of you often enough. But to be honest, I bleed more than you can see. All the games I played and the chit-chats I had on msn are just a way to cover up my loneliness, and you say that is my selfishness. Just to your knowledge, that really has hurt me more than you can ever think of.

And another thing you probably dont know is, even up to today, when stella has already found another boyfreind, she still cares about me. She still cares. She tried to fill up my emptiness by doing small things around me. This is True Love. This is wut I have given up for your selfishness. And everytime I think of her and the little things she has done for me, I cry. If you know that, you wouldnt have said that last night. But sadly, I doubt you even have tried thinking about it.

My tears means nothing to you, and my pain means nothing to you. The more I tell you about my suffer the more you are going to ignore it and deal more damage on me. But it's ok. My wound would never heal; just because you hurt me a bit more doesnt make the pain worse anymore. However, like I have decided, I will never in my life talk to you about my romance anymore. I regret breaking up with stella, and you were the one who was pushing me to sever out my heart. Last night, I finally, 100% centainly, realized that I should not have listen to you.

But i know it's too late. Stella has already moved on. Now the only thing i can do is to bury my regret in the cementry in my heart, and move on without anyone's help.

Tonight, I deeply, painfully understood what is the true meaning of selfishness.

Meaningless

This is not about my romance relationship anymore. This is about my life, my goddamn life.

Recently, I am living on the verge of breaking out a fierce anger at my parents. This is what I have sacrificed to maintain the peacefulness in our family: I gave up stella, gave up my 2-year-old relationship to cater to your needs. In fact, I shouldnt say sacrificed. I just gave up.

Starting from the beginning of this relationship I was experiencing extreme pressure from them. They are telling me it's my choice, they dont want to interfere with it. However, the more they claim so, the more I felt being scolded and isolated. They sounded like I have done something wrong, sounded like they already know we are going to break up. But here is what they dont know: The reason I broke up with stella after all, was to make them happy. I gave up a nice girl to be a nice son for them. And what do I get? Nothing but sadness. And they still think I should have been over with it, because they dont think stella is a girl worthwhile for me to love her.

Just because of this, I am very very disappointed with my parents. I knew from the very beginning that it is my parents who are the real political extremists. Stella is just a minor case compare to them. Every single day, all I hear form my parents are politics and their self-centered opinions about politics. They are too passionate, too overwhelmed with politics, and I knew it from the beginning, just like I knew about stella's hastiness on politics too.

I am very fed up with it now, especially after seeing them showing no care on my needs for the past weeks. I lost my faith in believing that they at least understand me. After all, even they do, they tend to work against it instead of with it. They all thought it's their right way to treat their son, but little they know im still very hurt inside. Every single bit of careless talk and every single bit of commanding tone is deepening my wound. I bleed, I cry, I suffer, but they dont see it. They as my parents aren't even capable of seeing a trace of it. Not even attempting to either.

So, I'm sure they haven't noticed the fact that I stop sharing my lifes with them. They dont know stella has a new boyfriend, they dont know I'm still looking for another girl, they dont know every single night I suffer loneliness and have lost energy in doing everything. They dont know part of me is still wandering out there, collecting the ash and dust of my shattered heart. I dont want them to see it anymore, because I dont get the love and care I need from them. There is no point telling them anything anymore. Meaningless.

I am thankful for their love, but I just can't take it. It's too much of a burden for me. Now I just want to be their "Nice Boy" at home for the remaining 10 months, and get out of this loveless place.

I didnt cry, but I did inside.

Miles Away from Reality

There is a simple reason I cant receive any support from my family.
In different life stages, a person needs different types of support. I am at the stage where romance would pose a much stronger positive effect than parential and peer love. However, all I heard from my parents and my relatives are that I now have more time concentrating on my studies, planning for my future. To me, this is tens of thousands of miles away from the reality im facing.

I've tried too many ways to seekan an alternative support from my family, but all I get from them are these advices that may be perfect for probably my 30s. Concentrate on my career, concentrate on my work, yap yap yap. Put it this way, if I have no clue how to do it, i wouldnt be standing at this very position in my life. I could have chosen to be a deprived high school drop-out, working 10 hours a day at McDonald's for a lowest-standard living. However, I have my self-esteem, and I know I have the makings to achieve significant goals. I know when to concentrate on my studies and when to strive for my career success. That is not what i need right now.

But even till today, even they know I am suffering it, they dont seem to realize that all I need is a tranquil life at home. My dad has always been commanding, bombasting, and very good at popping up something extremely untimely from his mouth. My mom apparently is more sensitive and tries to pacify me most of the time. But sometimes she forgets, and when she does that she usually does something much more damaging than my dad does. In some sense, I know they love me; it's just that the love they give me is thorned, and I just happened to be very hurt right now.

All their advices are unrealistic, and all their loves are only hurting me even more.

I was probably too naive, thinking that I can get closer to my family once I've become single again. I thought I can get the needed and timely support from my family, but all I have right now is a growing repulsion of "coming home". I still love my home, my parents, my comfy room and the welcoming bed. Just this whole atmosphere is completely out of phase with my mood.

So, my answer is certain now. Because my first hope of getting support from my family has failed me, I will get up and get going by myself. I don't care whether I would see my new gf as a replica of my ex, and I don't care that I have to say goodbye to her within less than an year. Right now, even a thin scent of romance would stop some of my pain, even a small trace of the feeling of belonging would reduce my suffering.

I won't wait for the missing piece to come to me anymore. Starting at this very moment, I am going to find the other half of my heart, myself.

Bond-Free

This relief comes way earlier than I expect. In fact, I didnt expect there will be any. But tonight, I am truly happy.

After the conversation with stella tonight, I sense that this friendship is refreshed. She still loves me, but she knows she has to move on, and she has to let me move on too. When i heard that, i certainly enjoys the best relief I have ever felt in the past two weeks.

After all, I worried too much, as usual. I can now see this friendship going on just fine; it wouldnt be full of ambiguous relationships and immoral love. Instead, we are really really close friends. I felt like we are still together, just obligation-free and full of mutual support. We are subliming our love to friendship, and I can see that happening now.

I am happy.

Is Friend Enough?

"Maybe It would be better that we dont tie each other down for now"
honestly, this is an excuse. I dont think five years, even ten years later, we will ever become lovers again. The odds are against us all the time, and I doubt things are gonna look better as time goes on. We are right to each other, just at the wrong time - nothing we can do about it.

"If we meant to be together, we will be together"
I am just pacifying her and myself. I said so to leave both of us the last trace of hope - a hope that has a very remote chance to live till we have a chance to meet each other in the future years.

However, i've let it be - we've let it be - because we know our love is still living.

So we are friends, but i know it's not gonna be a pure friendship. Our relationship is gonna lie across the boundary between lovers and friends. We will be friends who still have feelings with each other, and still have hopes with the withered romance. We wouldnt take care of each other for the sake of friendship; we do that for love. This is an immoral reincarnation of a dead love relationshp, and it lives on with pain and suffer.

Is it enough for you? Even if from the bottom of your heart you know we have no future? When i think in your perspective, I know it wouldnt be enough. It wouldnt be enough for me either. Nonetheless, we are just like fireflies dashing into the flame; we know this friendship is gonna eventually hurt both of us, but we are still willing to take it. It's so painful that everytime i think of it i feel my tears are pressing against my eyes.

Are we able to move on? Im sure after the talk last night, it would be ok - at least partially. But im sure even five years, ten years, twenty years have passed, even if we are married to other ones, we will still have feelings with each other.

I hope you have also forseen the future. We are in a friendship of mummified love and eternal pain. I am willing to take it, are you?

Blurry Boundary

What is the difference between a good male-female friendship and a good romance relationship? I honestly think there's none. (except possibly more intimacy) As a friend, I treat girl friends as kind and as natural as I do to regular boy friends - sharing thoughts, exchanging musics and comics and books, hanging out together, chatting on msn and making random jokes, give them timely helps, and etc. Healthy friendships are the cornerstones of a well-socialized life and, also very likely, a successful career.

I prefer to have a romance relationshp on top of a great friendship. A romance should consist of two people who understand each other well enough and are able to take care of each other. These qualities are already present in a close friendship, upon which a firm emotional bond can be formed between the two.

Thus, to me, a love relationship is just one-step above a friendship. The only boundary that delimits the two is intimacy.

But my value is somewhat shaken by the conversations took place between me and stella for the last two days. As I promised, I have become a good friend of stella. We are sharing songs, discussing "Nana" the popular anime (by the way it's a Terrific Anime! Go Watch It!), and chit-chatting. However, we have been doing these things since when we were together, and it appears to me that things havent changed before and after our breakup.

I understand it's mainly because we didnt break up because we hate each other. We still love each other, but we were forced to quit because of the reality. Nonetheless, I somehow can still sense that we are still in some awkward relationship. We used to, among all the chattings we have been doing, put in some intimate languages - flirting each other, having fun. Now, as we have broken up, these contents are supposed to be completely absent in our conversation - but they arent. They are still here and there and somehow too noticable.

We used to say "good night, sweet dreams, and love you" before one of us log off from msn at night. Yesterday, before I go to bed, she said "good night and sweet dreams". I was surprised. Do I ever say "sweet dreams" to a friend? yeah some of them... when I am trying to put myself in a better position to pursue them for a romance relationship. But a good friend? I doubt i would say anything like that. On top of that, there are more alluding hints of her love she has been trying to convey in her conversation. They are not that obvious, but I know they are there.

Thereafter, I couldnt help noticing that our breakup isnt that cut and dry. The scent of romance is still lingering between us, and I am afraid that if I go a little bit closer to her, we will accidently cross the boundary and start growing emotional dependancies on each other, and eventually end up with an awkward pseudo-romance relationship. It worries me, this blurry boundary.

Do I want to increase the distance between me and her? I think it's necessary, but I dont think it's something I wanna do if I want to keep up with my promise. Maybe I dont want to let her down again - that one is heartbreaking enough; at least this way I can amend part of her wound. Or, maybe somewhere in my heart I want this unseen romance to happen...I know it's wrong, but I dunno what to do to stop it from happening without furthermore hurting her.

Or maybe after all it's only me who is worrying about something that doesnt exist anymore.

For now, I am not able to tell...

Coffeestop Contemplations

Today, an exhausting wednesday afternoon, i am at Blenz across the street from SFU downtown campus, sipping a large decaf while waiting for the ModelSim to finish generating the VHDL simulation waveforms. Lengthy wait, indeed. That's why i have a bounty of free time examining over my personal perspective on love and romance.

I am by large not a player style, mainly because of my devoted attitude towards a romance relationship. I am a 40% Capricorn, 30% Scorpio, and 20% Pisces, and 10% of some other signs that have ignorant influences on my personality (I've been regurgetating this very same sentences for god-knows-how-many times); as a result, I treat my romance encounters with quite a bit of seriousness.

But dont get me wrong. I am witty, humourous, and easygoing as a friend or a boyfriend. I am talking about the attitude towards a relationship that I have. Before I elaborate on my long romance theory, I am gonna talk about how I look at those people who takes a careless attitude on love relationships, so-called Players.

Frankly, players are not meant to be players, even if they claim they are. They are so because, I believe, they are psychologically evasive: Afraid of being hurt, afraid of losing, afraid of giving out for something that is seemingly virtual - the Love itself. Under such a fear, they develop their hilarious theory of "true love never exists, why wasting time looking for it?". My translation for this comment is: "I dont want to pursue a happiness which will likely force me to face my fear." Never owned a true love, never feel the pain of losing it. Surely a perfect excuse.

However, I couldn't help laughing at these people. I admit that True Love doesn't exist on its own; it, nonetheless, blossoms into glamour with the sentimental efforts devoted from both the boy and the girl. Just like anything else in this world, how much you get reflects how much you have put in: good grades usually reflects hardworking, grand harvests reflects exceptional cares on crops - even your spotlessly beautiful face reflects uncountable minutes you spent on wearing makeups and exercising skincares. It's the very first Law of Microeconimics stating "nothing is free in this world; you have to give up something to have another".

I know i sound too econimists (here is my capricorn instinct looming large), but this is my viewpoint towards a Ture Love. It originates as an egocentric act - boys and girls come together for the enjoyment of being in a relationship (or some other purposes that i wouldnt wanna mention here). People get involved in relationships because they want to bring happiness to themselves, not necessarily to the their halves - human instinct, self-centered, impluse driven.

However, as the relationship progresses onward, both sides will gradually gain trusts and comfortness from each other; as a result, this barrier of selfishness starts to crumble down. How this can happen? First of all, when the two share a mutual trust, the sense of safety gives them confidence towards their relationship, in which they would feel worthwhile contributing without worries. This confidence in turns propels them to devote more into the relationship - not to make himself or herself, but both of them happy. Gradually, the barrier of selfishness turns into what those players dont believe to exist - the True Love.

True Love is very often way too over-decorated by romance novels and dramas in which Adam and Eve fall in love so hard on each other like tomorrow is the end of the world. Simply Unreal. The real making of True Love under its sugar coating is an intangible bond supported by mutual trusts and confidences between the two. This bond can be so strong that the two live their lives as a whole - every single decision one makes will not be solely for himself, but for the two of them. The boy does something, no matter joyful or painful, to make him and his girlfriend better off, and vise versa. Selfishness still exists - not for oneself, but for the couple as a whole.

This is True Love、a selfishness for the two.

NEVERTHELESS, I really have to exaggerate here, I have made a really critical assumption two paragraphs above: True Love forms under trust. When the two dont trust each other, True Love doesnt pop up from nowhere; it wont be sitting there waiting for you to pick it up. Zip, Period.

Players are naive and evasive. They dont believe the existance of true love simply because they dont have trust in people. They are very reluctant in contributing to a relationship because they fear that they get nothing in return. As a result, they ground themselves in the box of selfishness、preventing the barrier from tumbling.

Things get even more mocking as they explain to themselves that "no True Love exists". If you dont contribute into a relationship, dont expect to get any return from it. A relationship is a matter of two people coming together; you dont trust the other, dont expect the other to trust you. This is the fact, this is the fundamental matter of a healthy relationship, and is exactly what you are chickening away from.

And excuse me of being rude here, it's not that the true love doesnt exist; it's you players' attitude that stops your true love from forming. If you haven't even attempted to obtain a True Love, you are basically outsiders and are not qualified to comment on the existance of it; if you cant trust people, you dont deserve true love. And finally, if you cant even realize this simple fact, there are no better words than "naive" and "childish" I can think of to describe you.

I believe the existance of true love because I have had it. I was never afraid of giving out, and I was never afraid of trusting my other half. I believe in her, and I try to bring her comfortness and happiness. She tried to do the samething for me. And there, we had it, the precious diamond that some dont believe in.

So, back to my story. There was one day when someone told me, in order to not get hurt so badly, dont get into a relationship too deep. I didnt like his idea at all. A relationship without devotion means no trust, and Sorry I dont Buy a Box of Chocolate without Chocolate inside. A shallow relationship means nothing to me; this kind of relationship attracts only those players, and i think it would somehow turn me into a player too. And obviously, I hate players, not to mention being one. If I want a relationship, I want true love with it, and I am gonna strive for it with all the things I have. (yeah, typical scorpio)

Today, the 10th day of being a single engineering science undergrad in vancouver, I reassured my value towards romance. I am sure I made the right decision for both of us, and I believe until the end of our lives, we will still be cherishing the remaining traces of the true love we have had. I have no regret being in this relationship, and I wont be having any in my life. My journey of seeking another true love resumes as I finishes the last drop of my decaf in the paper cup.