Meaningless

This is not about my romance relationship anymore. This is about my life, my goddamn life.

Recently, I am living on the verge of breaking out a fierce anger at my parents. This is what I have sacrificed to maintain the peacefulness in our family: I gave up stella, gave up my 2-year-old relationship to cater to your needs. In fact, I shouldnt say sacrificed. I just gave up.

Starting from the beginning of this relationship I was experiencing extreme pressure from them. They are telling me it's my choice, they dont want to interfere with it. However, the more they claim so, the more I felt being scolded and isolated. They sounded like I have done something wrong, sounded like they already know we are going to break up. But here is what they dont know: The reason I broke up with stella after all, was to make them happy. I gave up a nice girl to be a nice son for them. And what do I get? Nothing but sadness. And they still think I should have been over with it, because they dont think stella is a girl worthwhile for me to love her.

Just because of this, I am very very disappointed with my parents. I knew from the very beginning that it is my parents who are the real political extremists. Stella is just a minor case compare to them. Every single day, all I hear form my parents are politics and their self-centered opinions about politics. They are too passionate, too overwhelmed with politics, and I knew it from the beginning, just like I knew about stella's hastiness on politics too.

I am very fed up with it now, especially after seeing them showing no care on my needs for the past weeks. I lost my faith in believing that they at least understand me. After all, even they do, they tend to work against it instead of with it. They all thought it's their right way to treat their son, but little they know im still very hurt inside. Every single bit of careless talk and every single bit of commanding tone is deepening my wound. I bleed, I cry, I suffer, but they dont see it. They as my parents aren't even capable of seeing a trace of it. Not even attempting to either.

So, I'm sure they haven't noticed the fact that I stop sharing my lifes with them. They dont know stella has a new boyfriend, they dont know I'm still looking for another girl, they dont know every single night I suffer loneliness and have lost energy in doing everything. They dont know part of me is still wandering out there, collecting the ash and dust of my shattered heart. I dont want them to see it anymore, because I dont get the love and care I need from them. There is no point telling them anything anymore. Meaningless.

I am thankful for their love, but I just can't take it. It's too much of a burden for me. Now I just want to be their "Nice Boy" at home for the remaining 10 months, and get out of this loveless place.

I didnt cry, but I did inside.