Selfishness?

I collapsed last night in tears. I miss her. I should have not broken up with her.

After looking back into this whoel relationship, I decided to broke up mainly because of my parents. I broke up with stella 50% for them and 50% because of them. Stella was never accepted in my family, and I knew it from the very first day we were together. I faught it, I denied it, but finally I realized it wouldnt work out. It is because of my parents' denail on stella that makes me lose the confidence of our future.

But that's not the only reason I gave her up. I ended this relationship to satisfy my parents' expectation. I sacrificed my own happiness to fulfill the family's will. I look to this as a huge devotion to my parents. I swallowed the suffer, the bitter, and the sadness into myself, and pretend everything is fine in front of not only my parents but my friends. But all I ask for is to leave me a quiet time to heal myself. I just need something to distract myself from touching this wound that would possibly never heals. The pain is there, I just dont want to show it.

I thought my parents would know it, and at least give me some more freedom on doing my own stuff. But last night, she said I'm selfish because I'm doing my own stuff most of the time instead of helping them out. That was it. I was stunned in front of my computer, speechless.

Selfish? I gave up stella to cater to your own selfishness. You always treat politics and other matters with emotions more than with rationalities. You were the one with most denials on this relationship beside my dad. You were the one who always tried to convince me to put an end on this whole thing. And I did this for you. That is Your Selfishness, and I gave up My Love to satisfy Your Selfishness.

You seemed very detached from matters like love relationships, but it doesnt mean that just because I am your son I should behave the same way. Love means a lot to me, and to give it up takes away a large part from me, too. You thought it's nothing only because I didnt cry in front of you often enough. But to be honest, I bleed more than you can see. All the games I played and the chit-chats I had on msn are just a way to cover up my loneliness, and you say that is my selfishness. Just to your knowledge, that really has hurt me more than you can ever think of.

And another thing you probably dont know is, even up to today, when stella has already found another boyfreind, she still cares about me. She still cares. She tried to fill up my emptiness by doing small things around me. This is True Love. This is wut I have given up for your selfishness. And everytime I think of her and the little things she has done for me, I cry. If you know that, you wouldnt have said that last night. But sadly, I doubt you even have tried thinking about it.

My tears means nothing to you, and my pain means nothing to you. The more I tell you about my suffer the more you are going to ignore it and deal more damage on me. But it's ok. My wound would never heal; just because you hurt me a bit more doesnt make the pain worse anymore. However, like I have decided, I will never in my life talk to you about my romance anymore. I regret breaking up with stella, and you were the one who was pushing me to sever out my heart. Last night, I finally, 100% centainly, realized that I should not have listen to you.

But i know it's too late. Stella has already moved on. Now the only thing i can do is to bury my regret in the cementry in my heart, and move on without anyone's help.

Tonight, I deeply, painfully understood what is the true meaning of selfishness.