Meaningless

This is not about my romance relationship anymore. This is about my life, my goddamn life.

Recently, I am living on the verge of breaking out a fierce anger at my parents. This is what I have sacrificed to maintain the peacefulness in our family: I gave up stella, gave up my 2-year-old relationship to cater to your needs. In fact, I shouldnt say sacrificed. I just gave up.

Starting from the beginning of this relationship I was experiencing extreme pressure from them. They are telling me it's my choice, they dont want to interfere with it. However, the more they claim so, the more I felt being scolded and isolated. They sounded like I have done something wrong, sounded like they already know we are going to break up. But here is what they dont know: The reason I broke up with stella after all, was to make them happy. I gave up a nice girl to be a nice son for them. And what do I get? Nothing but sadness. And they still think I should have been over with it, because they dont think stella is a girl worthwhile for me to love her.

Just because of this, I am very very disappointed with my parents. I knew from the very beginning that it is my parents who are the real political extremists. Stella is just a minor case compare to them. Every single day, all I hear form my parents are politics and their self-centered opinions about politics. They are too passionate, too overwhelmed with politics, and I knew it from the beginning, just like I knew about stella's hastiness on politics too.

I am very fed up with it now, especially after seeing them showing no care on my needs for the past weeks. I lost my faith in believing that they at least understand me. After all, even they do, they tend to work against it instead of with it. They all thought it's their right way to treat their son, but little they know im still very hurt inside. Every single bit of careless talk and every single bit of commanding tone is deepening my wound. I bleed, I cry, I suffer, but they dont see it. They as my parents aren't even capable of seeing a trace of it. Not even attempting to either.

So, I'm sure they haven't noticed the fact that I stop sharing my lifes with them. They dont know stella has a new boyfriend, they dont know I'm still looking for another girl, they dont know every single night I suffer loneliness and have lost energy in doing everything. They dont know part of me is still wandering out there, collecting the ash and dust of my shattered heart. I dont want them to see it anymore, because I dont get the love and care I need from them. There is no point telling them anything anymore. Meaningless.

I am thankful for their love, but I just can't take it. It's too much of a burden for me. Now I just want to be their "Nice Boy" at home for the remaining 10 months, and get out of this loveless place.

I didnt cry, but I did inside.

Miles Away from Reality

There is a simple reason I cant receive any support from my family.
In different life stages, a person needs different types of support. I am at the stage where romance would pose a much stronger positive effect than parential and peer love. However, all I heard from my parents and my relatives are that I now have more time concentrating on my studies, planning for my future. To me, this is tens of thousands of miles away from the reality im facing.

I've tried too many ways to seekan an alternative support from my family, but all I get from them are these advices that may be perfect for probably my 30s. Concentrate on my career, concentrate on my work, yap yap yap. Put it this way, if I have no clue how to do it, i wouldnt be standing at this very position in my life. I could have chosen to be a deprived high school drop-out, working 10 hours a day at McDonald's for a lowest-standard living. However, I have my self-esteem, and I know I have the makings to achieve significant goals. I know when to concentrate on my studies and when to strive for my career success. That is not what i need right now.

But even till today, even they know I am suffering it, they dont seem to realize that all I need is a tranquil life at home. My dad has always been commanding, bombasting, and very good at popping up something extremely untimely from his mouth. My mom apparently is more sensitive and tries to pacify me most of the time. But sometimes she forgets, and when she does that she usually does something much more damaging than my dad does. In some sense, I know they love me; it's just that the love they give me is thorned, and I just happened to be very hurt right now.

All their advices are unrealistic, and all their loves are only hurting me even more.

I was probably too naive, thinking that I can get closer to my family once I've become single again. I thought I can get the needed and timely support from my family, but all I have right now is a growing repulsion of "coming home". I still love my home, my parents, my comfy room and the welcoming bed. Just this whole atmosphere is completely out of phase with my mood.

So, my answer is certain now. Because my first hope of getting support from my family has failed me, I will get up and get going by myself. I don't care whether I would see my new gf as a replica of my ex, and I don't care that I have to say goodbye to her within less than an year. Right now, even a thin scent of romance would stop some of my pain, even a small trace of the feeling of belonging would reduce my suffering.

I won't wait for the missing piece to come to me anymore. Starting at this very moment, I am going to find the other half of my heart, myself.