Bond-Free
This relief comes way earlier than I expect. In fact, I didnt expect there will be any. But tonight, I am truly happy.
After the conversation with stella tonight, I sense that this friendship is refreshed. She still loves me, but she knows she has to move on, and she has to let me move on too. When i heard that, i certainly enjoys the best relief I have ever felt in the past two weeks.
After all, I worried too much, as usual. I can now see this friendship going on just fine; it wouldnt be full of ambiguous relationships and immoral love. Instead, we are really really close friends. I felt like we are still together, just obligation-free and full of mutual support. We are subliming our love to friendship, and I can see that happening now.
I am happy.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Is Friend Enough?
"Maybe It would be better that we dont tie each other down for now"
honestly, this is an excuse. I dont think five years, even ten years later, we will ever become lovers again. The odds are against us all the time, and I doubt things are gonna look better as time goes on. We are right to each other, just at the wrong time - nothing we can do about it.
"If we meant to be together, we will be together"
I am just pacifying her and myself. I said so to leave both of us the last trace of hope - a hope that has a very remote chance to live till we have a chance to meet each other in the future years.
However, i've let it be - we've let it be - because we know our love is still living.
So we are friends, but i know it's not gonna be a pure friendship. Our relationship is gonna lie across the boundary between lovers and friends. We will be friends who still have feelings with each other, and still have hopes with the withered romance. We wouldnt take care of each other for the sake of friendship; we do that for love. This is an immoral reincarnation of a dead love relationshp, and it lives on with pain and suffer.
Is it enough for you? Even if from the bottom of your heart you know we have no future? When i think in your perspective, I know it wouldnt be enough. It wouldnt be enough for me either. Nonetheless, we are just like fireflies dashing into the flame; we know this friendship is gonna eventually hurt both of us, but we are still willing to take it. It's so painful that everytime i think of it i feel my tears are pressing against my eyes.
Are we able to move on? Im sure after the talk last night, it would be ok - at least partially. But im sure even five years, ten years, twenty years have passed, even if we are married to other ones, we will still have feelings with each other.
I hope you have also forseen the future. We are in a friendship of mummified love and eternal pain. I am willing to take it, are you?
"Maybe It would be better that we dont tie each other down for now"
honestly, this is an excuse. I dont think five years, even ten years later, we will ever become lovers again. The odds are against us all the time, and I doubt things are gonna look better as time goes on. We are right to each other, just at the wrong time - nothing we can do about it.
"If we meant to be together, we will be together"
I am just pacifying her and myself. I said so to leave both of us the last trace of hope - a hope that has a very remote chance to live till we have a chance to meet each other in the future years.
However, i've let it be - we've let it be - because we know our love is still living.
So we are friends, but i know it's not gonna be a pure friendship. Our relationship is gonna lie across the boundary between lovers and friends. We will be friends who still have feelings with each other, and still have hopes with the withered romance. We wouldnt take care of each other for the sake of friendship; we do that for love. This is an immoral reincarnation of a dead love relationshp, and it lives on with pain and suffer.
Is it enough for you? Even if from the bottom of your heart you know we have no future? When i think in your perspective, I know it wouldnt be enough. It wouldnt be enough for me either. Nonetheless, we are just like fireflies dashing into the flame; we know this friendship is gonna eventually hurt both of us, but we are still willing to take it. It's so painful that everytime i think of it i feel my tears are pressing against my eyes.
Are we able to move on? Im sure after the talk last night, it would be ok - at least partially. But im sure even five years, ten years, twenty years have passed, even if we are married to other ones, we will still have feelings with each other.
I hope you have also forseen the future. We are in a friendship of mummified love and eternal pain. I am willing to take it, are you?
Monday, July 24, 2006
Blurry Boundary
What is the difference between a good male-female friendship and a good romance relationship? I honestly think there's none. (except possibly more intimacy) As a friend, I treat girl friends as kind and as natural as I do to regular boy friends - sharing thoughts, exchanging musics and comics and books, hanging out together, chatting on msn and making random jokes, give them timely helps, and etc. Healthy friendships are the cornerstones of a well-socialized life and, also very likely, a successful career.
I prefer to have a romance relationshp on top of a great friendship. A romance should consist of two people who understand each other well enough and are able to take care of each other. These qualities are already present in a close friendship, upon which a firm emotional bond can be formed between the two.
Thus, to me, a love relationship is just one-step above a friendship. The only boundary that delimits the two is intimacy.
But my value is somewhat shaken by the conversations took place between me and stella for the last two days. As I promised, I have become a good friend of stella. We are sharing songs, discussing "Nana" the popular anime (by the way it's a Terrific Anime! Go Watch It!), and chit-chatting. However, we have been doing these things since when we were together, and it appears to me that things havent changed before and after our breakup.
I understand it's mainly because we didnt break up because we hate each other. We still love each other, but we were forced to quit because of the reality. Nonetheless, I somehow can still sense that we are still in some awkward relationship. We used to, among all the chattings we have been doing, put in some intimate languages - flirting each other, having fun. Now, as we have broken up, these contents are supposed to be completely absent in our conversation - but they arent. They are still here and there and somehow too noticable.
We used to say "good night, sweet dreams, and love you" before one of us log off from msn at night. Yesterday, before I go to bed, she said "good night and sweet dreams". I was surprised. Do I ever say "sweet dreams" to a friend? yeah some of them... when I am trying to put myself in a better position to pursue them for a romance relationship. But a good friend? I doubt i would say anything like that. On top of that, there are more alluding hints of her love she has been trying to convey in her conversation. They are not that obvious, but I know they are there.
Thereafter, I couldnt help noticing that our breakup isnt that cut and dry. The scent of romance is still lingering between us, and I am afraid that if I go a little bit closer to her, we will accidently cross the boundary and start growing emotional dependancies on each other, and eventually end up with an awkward pseudo-romance relationship. It worries me, this blurry boundary.
Do I want to increase the distance between me and her? I think it's necessary, but I dont think it's something I wanna do if I want to keep up with my promise. Maybe I dont want to let her down again - that one is heartbreaking enough; at least this way I can amend part of her wound. Or, maybe somewhere in my heart I want this unseen romance to happen...I know it's wrong, but I dunno what to do to stop it from happening without furthermore hurting her.
Or maybe after all it's only me who is worrying about something that doesnt exist anymore.
For now, I am not able to tell...
What is the difference between a good male-female friendship and a good romance relationship? I honestly think there's none. (except possibly more intimacy) As a friend, I treat girl friends as kind and as natural as I do to regular boy friends - sharing thoughts, exchanging musics and comics and books, hanging out together, chatting on msn and making random jokes, give them timely helps, and etc. Healthy friendships are the cornerstones of a well-socialized life and, also very likely, a successful career.
I prefer to have a romance relationshp on top of a great friendship. A romance should consist of two people who understand each other well enough and are able to take care of each other. These qualities are already present in a close friendship, upon which a firm emotional bond can be formed between the two.
Thus, to me, a love relationship is just one-step above a friendship. The only boundary that delimits the two is intimacy.
But my value is somewhat shaken by the conversations took place between me and stella for the last two days. As I promised, I have become a good friend of stella. We are sharing songs, discussing "Nana" the popular anime (by the way it's a Terrific Anime! Go Watch It!), and chit-chatting. However, we have been doing these things since when we were together, and it appears to me that things havent changed before and after our breakup.
I understand it's mainly because we didnt break up because we hate each other. We still love each other, but we were forced to quit because of the reality. Nonetheless, I somehow can still sense that we are still in some awkward relationship. We used to, among all the chattings we have been doing, put in some intimate languages - flirting each other, having fun. Now, as we have broken up, these contents are supposed to be completely absent in our conversation - but they arent. They are still here and there and somehow too noticable.
We used to say "good night, sweet dreams, and love you" before one of us log off from msn at night. Yesterday, before I go to bed, she said "good night and sweet dreams". I was surprised. Do I ever say "sweet dreams" to a friend? yeah some of them... when I am trying to put myself in a better position to pursue them for a romance relationship. But a good friend? I doubt i would say anything like that. On top of that, there are more alluding hints of her love she has been trying to convey in her conversation. They are not that obvious, but I know they are there.
Thereafter, I couldnt help noticing that our breakup isnt that cut and dry. The scent of romance is still lingering between us, and I am afraid that if I go a little bit closer to her, we will accidently cross the boundary and start growing emotional dependancies on each other, and eventually end up with an awkward pseudo-romance relationship. It worries me, this blurry boundary.
Do I want to increase the distance between me and her? I think it's necessary, but I dont think it's something I wanna do if I want to keep up with my promise. Maybe I dont want to let her down again - that one is heartbreaking enough; at least this way I can amend part of her wound. Or, maybe somewhere in my heart I want this unseen romance to happen...I know it's wrong, but I dunno what to do to stop it from happening without furthermore hurting her.
Or maybe after all it's only me who is worrying about something that doesnt exist anymore.
For now, I am not able to tell...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Coffeestop Contemplations
Today, an exhausting wednesday afternoon, i am at Blenz across the street from SFU downtown campus, sipping a large decaf while waiting for the ModelSim to finish generating the VHDL simulation waveforms. Lengthy wait, indeed. That's why i have a bounty of free time examining over my personal perspective on love and romance.
I am by large not a player style, mainly because of my devoted attitude towards a romance relationship. I am a 40% Capricorn, 30% Scorpio, and 20% Pisces, and 10% of some other signs that have ignorant influences on my personality (I've been regurgetating this very same sentences for god-knows-how-many times); as a result, I treat my romance encounters with quite a bit of seriousness.
But dont get me wrong. I am witty, humourous, and easygoing as a friend or a boyfriend. I am talking about the attitude towards a relationship that I have. Before I elaborate on my long romance theory, I am gonna talk about how I look at those people who takes a careless attitude on love relationships, so-called Players.
Frankly, players are not meant to be players, even if they claim they are. They are so because, I believe, they are psychologically evasive: Afraid of being hurt, afraid of losing, afraid of giving out for something that is seemingly virtual - the Love itself. Under such a fear, they develop their hilarious theory of "true love never exists, why wasting time looking for it?". My translation for this comment is: "I dont want to pursue a happiness which will likely force me to face my fear." Never owned a true love, never feel the pain of losing it. Surely a perfect excuse.
However, I couldn't help laughing at these people. I admit that True Love doesn't exist on its own; it, nonetheless, blossoms into glamour with the sentimental efforts devoted from both the boy and the girl. Just like anything else in this world, how much you get reflects how much you have put in: good grades usually reflects hardworking, grand harvests reflects exceptional cares on crops - even your spotlessly beautiful face reflects uncountable minutes you spent on wearing makeups and exercising skincares. It's the very first Law of Microeconimics stating "nothing is free in this world; you have to give up something to have another".
I know i sound too econimists (here is my capricorn instinct looming large), but this is my viewpoint towards a Ture Love. It originates as an egocentric act - boys and girls come together for the enjoyment of being in a relationship (or some other purposes that i wouldnt wanna mention here). People get involved in relationships because they want to bring happiness to themselves, not necessarily to the their halves - human instinct, self-centered, impluse driven.
However, as the relationship progresses onward, both sides will gradually gain trusts and comfortness from each other; as a result, this barrier of selfishness starts to crumble down. How this can happen? First of all, when the two share a mutual trust, the sense of safety gives them confidence towards their relationship, in which they would feel worthwhile contributing without worries. This confidence in turns propels them to devote more into the relationship - not to make himself or herself, but both of them happy. Gradually, the barrier of selfishness turns into what those players dont believe to exist - the True Love.
True Love is very often way too over-decorated by romance novels and dramas in which Adam and Eve fall in love so hard on each other like tomorrow is the end of the world. Simply Unreal. The real making of True Love under its sugar coating is an intangible bond supported by mutual trusts and confidences between the two. This bond can be so strong that the two live their lives as a whole - every single decision one makes will not be solely for himself, but for the two of them. The boy does something, no matter joyful or painful, to make him and his girlfriend better off, and vise versa. Selfishness still exists - not for oneself, but for the couple as a whole.
This is True Love、a selfishness for the two.
NEVERTHELESS, I really have to exaggerate here, I have made a really critical assumption two paragraphs above: True Love forms under trust. When the two dont trust each other, True Love doesnt pop up from nowhere; it wont be sitting there waiting for you to pick it up. Zip, Period.
Players are naive and evasive. They dont believe the existance of true love simply because they dont have trust in people. They are very reluctant in contributing to a relationship because they fear that they get nothing in return. As a result, they ground themselves in the box of selfishness、preventing the barrier from tumbling.
Things get even more mocking as they explain to themselves that "no True Love exists". If you dont contribute into a relationship, dont expect to get any return from it. A relationship is a matter of two people coming together; you dont trust the other, dont expect the other to trust you. This is the fact, this is the fundamental matter of a healthy relationship, and is exactly what you are chickening away from.
And excuse me of being rude here, it's not that the true love doesnt exist; it's you players' attitude that stops your true love from forming. If you haven't even attempted to obtain a True Love, you are basically outsiders and are not qualified to comment on the existance of it; if you cant trust people, you dont deserve true love. And finally, if you cant even realize this simple fact, there are no better words than "naive" and "childish" I can think of to describe you.
I believe the existance of true love because I have had it. I was never afraid of giving out, and I was never afraid of trusting my other half. I believe in her, and I try to bring her comfortness and happiness. She tried to do the samething for me. And there, we had it, the precious diamond that some dont believe in.
So, back to my story. There was one day when someone told me, in order to not get hurt so badly, dont get into a relationship too deep. I didnt like his idea at all. A relationship without devotion means no trust, and Sorry I dont Buy a Box of Chocolate without Chocolate inside. A shallow relationship means nothing to me; this kind of relationship attracts only those players, and i think it would somehow turn me into a player too. And obviously, I hate players, not to mention being one. If I want a relationship, I want true love with it, and I am gonna strive for it with all the things I have. (yeah, typical scorpio)
Today, the 10th day of being a single engineering science undergrad in vancouver, I reassured my value towards romance. I am sure I made the right decision for both of us, and I believe until the end of our lives, we will still be cherishing the remaining traces of the true love we have had. I have no regret being in this relationship, and I wont be having any in my life. My journey of seeking another true love resumes as I finishes the last drop of my decaf in the paper cup.
Today, an exhausting wednesday afternoon, i am at Blenz across the street from SFU downtown campus, sipping a large decaf while waiting for the ModelSim to finish generating the VHDL simulation waveforms. Lengthy wait, indeed. That's why i have a bounty of free time examining over my personal perspective on love and romance.
I am by large not a player style, mainly because of my devoted attitude towards a romance relationship. I am a 40% Capricorn, 30% Scorpio, and 20% Pisces, and 10% of some other signs that have ignorant influences on my personality (I've been regurgetating this very same sentences for god-knows-how-many times); as a result, I treat my romance encounters with quite a bit of seriousness.
But dont get me wrong. I am witty, humourous, and easygoing as a friend or a boyfriend. I am talking about the attitude towards a relationship that I have. Before I elaborate on my long romance theory, I am gonna talk about how I look at those people who takes a careless attitude on love relationships, so-called Players.
Frankly, players are not meant to be players, even if they claim they are. They are so because, I believe, they are psychologically evasive: Afraid of being hurt, afraid of losing, afraid of giving out for something that is seemingly virtual - the Love itself. Under such a fear, they develop their hilarious theory of "true love never exists, why wasting time looking for it?". My translation for this comment is: "I dont want to pursue a happiness which will likely force me to face my fear." Never owned a true love, never feel the pain of losing it. Surely a perfect excuse.
However, I couldn't help laughing at these people. I admit that True Love doesn't exist on its own; it, nonetheless, blossoms into glamour with the sentimental efforts devoted from both the boy and the girl. Just like anything else in this world, how much you get reflects how much you have put in: good grades usually reflects hardworking, grand harvests reflects exceptional cares on crops - even your spotlessly beautiful face reflects uncountable minutes you spent on wearing makeups and exercising skincares. It's the very first Law of Microeconimics stating "nothing is free in this world; you have to give up something to have another".
I know i sound too econimists (here is my capricorn instinct looming large), but this is my viewpoint towards a Ture Love. It originates as an egocentric act - boys and girls come together for the enjoyment of being in a relationship (or some other purposes that i wouldnt wanna mention here). People get involved in relationships because they want to bring happiness to themselves, not necessarily to the their halves - human instinct, self-centered, impluse driven.
However, as the relationship progresses onward, both sides will gradually gain trusts and comfortness from each other; as a result, this barrier of selfishness starts to crumble down. How this can happen? First of all, when the two share a mutual trust, the sense of safety gives them confidence towards their relationship, in which they would feel worthwhile contributing without worries. This confidence in turns propels them to devote more into the relationship - not to make himself or herself, but both of them happy. Gradually, the barrier of selfishness turns into what those players dont believe to exist - the True Love.
True Love is very often way too over-decorated by romance novels and dramas in which Adam and Eve fall in love so hard on each other like tomorrow is the end of the world. Simply Unreal. The real making of True Love under its sugar coating is an intangible bond supported by mutual trusts and confidences between the two. This bond can be so strong that the two live their lives as a whole - every single decision one makes will not be solely for himself, but for the two of them. The boy does something, no matter joyful or painful, to make him and his girlfriend better off, and vise versa. Selfishness still exists - not for oneself, but for the couple as a whole.
This is True Love、a selfishness for the two.
NEVERTHELESS, I really have to exaggerate here, I have made a really critical assumption two paragraphs above: True Love forms under trust. When the two dont trust each other, True Love doesnt pop up from nowhere; it wont be sitting there waiting for you to pick it up. Zip, Period.
Players are naive and evasive. They dont believe the existance of true love simply because they dont have trust in people. They are very reluctant in contributing to a relationship because they fear that they get nothing in return. As a result, they ground themselves in the box of selfishness、preventing the barrier from tumbling.
Things get even more mocking as they explain to themselves that "no True Love exists". If you dont contribute into a relationship, dont expect to get any return from it. A relationship is a matter of two people coming together; you dont trust the other, dont expect the other to trust you. This is the fact, this is the fundamental matter of a healthy relationship, and is exactly what you are chickening away from.
And excuse me of being rude here, it's not that the true love doesnt exist; it's you players' attitude that stops your true love from forming. If you haven't even attempted to obtain a True Love, you are basically outsiders and are not qualified to comment on the existance of it; if you cant trust people, you dont deserve true love. And finally, if you cant even realize this simple fact, there are no better words than "naive" and "childish" I can think of to describe you.
I believe the existance of true love because I have had it. I was never afraid of giving out, and I was never afraid of trusting my other half. I believe in her, and I try to bring her comfortness and happiness. She tried to do the samething for me. And there, we had it, the precious diamond that some dont believe in.
So, back to my story. There was one day when someone told me, in order to not get hurt so badly, dont get into a relationship too deep. I didnt like his idea at all. A relationship without devotion means no trust, and Sorry I dont Buy a Box of Chocolate without Chocolate inside. A shallow relationship means nothing to me; this kind of relationship attracts only those players, and i think it would somehow turn me into a player too. And obviously, I hate players, not to mention being one. If I want a relationship, I want true love with it, and I am gonna strive for it with all the things I have. (yeah, typical scorpio)
Today, the 10th day of being a single engineering science undergrad in vancouver, I reassured my value towards romance. I am sure I made the right decision for both of us, and I believe until the end of our lives, we will still be cherishing the remaining traces of the true love we have had. I have no regret being in this relationship, and I wont be having any in my life. My journey of seeking another true love resumes as I finishes the last drop of my decaf in the paper cup.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Casino Captivation
Yeah...Gambling ain't cool.
As i said two months ago, our company moved to Coquitlam for a reason.
I thought this reason is Chirslena, but time only proves me naive.
The real reason, as apparent as it can be, is the Casino right beside our office.
Last Friday i hung out with my university buddies at the casino for an hr playing the 2-cent slot machine, dreaming to bring home the Nissan Infiniti presented at the main entrance of the casino.
It turned out each of us only won 5 bucks...well, at least we won eh? We werent like those casino-doped frenzies who got their asses super-glued to the seats around the blackjack table until the end of the world, handing their lifetime fortune over to the casino. We were all good.
But yeah, right. The real consequence emerges today when I walked by the casino during lunch break..."Yeah 5 bucks is enough eh? I guess i can have a small casino break...big deal~"
There I went into the casino again, like a stupid chimp attracted by the bait. And guess wut? I lost! I lost 20 bucks! I was soo happy that i cant afford to buy my lunch today!
Wait...I didnt mean happy...I mean stunned...
Yeah...the only thought I had as I walked out the door was: "Never Come Back Again!"
Hopefully I wont betray my own promise.
Yeah...Gambling ain't cool.
As i said two months ago, our company moved to Coquitlam for a reason.
I thought this reason is Chirslena, but time only proves me naive.
The real reason, as apparent as it can be, is the Casino right beside our office.
Last Friday i hung out with my university buddies at the casino for an hr playing the 2-cent slot machine, dreaming to bring home the Nissan Infiniti presented at the main entrance of the casino.
It turned out each of us only won 5 bucks...well, at least we won eh? We werent like those casino-doped frenzies who got their asses super-glued to the seats around the blackjack table until the end of the world, handing their lifetime fortune over to the casino. We were all good.
But yeah, right. The real consequence emerges today when I walked by the casino during lunch break..."Yeah 5 bucks is enough eh? I guess i can have a small casino break...big deal~"
There I went into the casino again, like a stupid chimp attracted by the bait. And guess wut? I lost! I lost 20 bucks! I was soo happy that i cant afford to buy my lunch today!
Wait...I didnt mean happy...I mean stunned...
Yeah...the only thought I had as I walked out the door was: "Never Come Back Again!"
Hopefully I wont betray my own promise.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Happi Single
Im sure it worths a dozen of beers to cheer for being a single again, at least for a guy who's hopelessly intoxicated with romance relationship like me.
This is the fourth day since I broke up with stella in tears of sorrow, and I promised myself that from now on, I will live for myself, strong and proud and confident and free of sadness and remorse. From now on, the empty spot beside me is not reserved for anyone anymore. My love and passion will be distributed evenly among my friends, my family, and myself.
However, quoted from "Ai yori Aoshi" (a monsterous rip-off cheapass jap romance anime), "I strive for the prosperty of my life for a sole reason of my beloved other half, even though i dunno who he/she is yet." I am always ready for the right one. When the time comes, the right person will fit into this spot beside me, like Cinderella fitting into her glass heels. Thereafter, I will embark on the quest for another eternal happiness with her.
Astalavista my kitten, Bon Voyage my single life
Im sure it worths a dozen of beers to cheer for being a single again, at least for a guy who's hopelessly intoxicated with romance relationship like me.
This is the fourth day since I broke up with stella in tears of sorrow, and I promised myself that from now on, I will live for myself, strong and proud and confident and free of sadness and remorse. From now on, the empty spot beside me is not reserved for anyone anymore. My love and passion will be distributed evenly among my friends, my family, and myself.
However, quoted from "Ai yori Aoshi" (a monsterous rip-off cheapass jap romance anime), "I strive for the prosperty of my life for a sole reason of my beloved other half, even though i dunno who he/she is yet." I am always ready for the right one. When the time comes, the right person will fit into this spot beside me, like Cinderella fitting into her glass heels. Thereafter, I will embark on the quest for another eternal happiness with her.
Astalavista my kitten, Bon Voyage my single life
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