Blurry Boundary

What is the difference between a good male-female friendship and a good romance relationship? I honestly think there's none. (except possibly more intimacy) As a friend, I treat girl friends as kind and as natural as I do to regular boy friends - sharing thoughts, exchanging musics and comics and books, hanging out together, chatting on msn and making random jokes, give them timely helps, and etc. Healthy friendships are the cornerstones of a well-socialized life and, also very likely, a successful career.

I prefer to have a romance relationshp on top of a great friendship. A romance should consist of two people who understand each other well enough and are able to take care of each other. These qualities are already present in a close friendship, upon which a firm emotional bond can be formed between the two.

Thus, to me, a love relationship is just one-step above a friendship. The only boundary that delimits the two is intimacy.

But my value is somewhat shaken by the conversations took place between me and stella for the last two days. As I promised, I have become a good friend of stella. We are sharing songs, discussing "Nana" the popular anime (by the way it's a Terrific Anime! Go Watch It!), and chit-chatting. However, we have been doing these things since when we were together, and it appears to me that things havent changed before and after our breakup.

I understand it's mainly because we didnt break up because we hate each other. We still love each other, but we were forced to quit because of the reality. Nonetheless, I somehow can still sense that we are still in some awkward relationship. We used to, among all the chattings we have been doing, put in some intimate languages - flirting each other, having fun. Now, as we have broken up, these contents are supposed to be completely absent in our conversation - but they arent. They are still here and there and somehow too noticable.

We used to say "good night, sweet dreams, and love you" before one of us log off from msn at night. Yesterday, before I go to bed, she said "good night and sweet dreams". I was surprised. Do I ever say "sweet dreams" to a friend? yeah some of them... when I am trying to put myself in a better position to pursue them for a romance relationship. But a good friend? I doubt i would say anything like that. On top of that, there are more alluding hints of her love she has been trying to convey in her conversation. They are not that obvious, but I know they are there.

Thereafter, I couldnt help noticing that our breakup isnt that cut and dry. The scent of romance is still lingering between us, and I am afraid that if I go a little bit closer to her, we will accidently cross the boundary and start growing emotional dependancies on each other, and eventually end up with an awkward pseudo-romance relationship. It worries me, this blurry boundary.

Do I want to increase the distance between me and her? I think it's necessary, but I dont think it's something I wanna do if I want to keep up with my promise. Maybe I dont want to let her down again - that one is heartbreaking enough; at least this way I can amend part of her wound. Or, maybe somewhere in my heart I want this unseen romance to happen...I know it's wrong, but I dunno what to do to stop it from happening without furthermore hurting her.

Or maybe after all it's only me who is worrying about something that doesnt exist anymore.

For now, I am not able to tell...