Awake and Alone

July 8th was full of anxiety and anger and anguish. I was awake, the only one in this world.

Everybody around me smiles as if nothing has happened. Everybody around me takes this day as another ordinary peaceful sunday. Those in this house have forgot about it; they thought it's trivial and negligible, as they had always thought. Those on msn were, either faking or else, also forgot about it; the lonelies have found the docking deck, and the spectators have left for their own business. Everyone else in this world has slept into a graceful dream, and I am the only one awake and continuing putting together my own shattered heart.

No my tears have never breached my eyelids, because I have given my best effort to stop it. But the ignorance from them were too lethal. The carelessness, the abruptness, they added up so quickly, my mind stopped working. I tried to stop the shadow, and I tried to convince myself that I can soon be in sleep like everybody else. However, it didn't happen. No one in the house tried to understand what has happened, and to at least leave me a peace of mind. And I don't feel like bothering anyone from their deep sleep on msn.

I'd rather keep my sadness inside so that everyone else can be happy.

However, your care has come in a timely fashion. Your simple msn message today told me with certainty that you are there now. Because of you, I know that someone is calling me to sleep, and someone would be there weaving a dream with me. It's you who fed me with strength, and I'm not worried anymore about how long I have to wait, and how long we can stay in the dream, because i know soon I wont be awake and alone anymore.

Peach, thank you for being there.

Hold Me Tight

Im sure you dunno yet, cause we are actually not that far down from newly met.

Within less than one week, the day that means too much to me would hit me so hard, I probably would have lost myself. It's happening.

I told you I was pretty down this sunday, but i didnt really tell you exactly why. It's getting close to me again, the shadow. Since last friday I have been crying every single night, cause the day where the shadow has come into my life is approaching again.

But I understand very clearly that, there is nothing wrong with taking slow steps with you. After all, because im taking this seriously, i am always supposed to be taking you as my top priority; do as much as I can to protect you and make you happy. However, the only thing wrong right now is my cowardliness and weakness. I am afraid of uncertainty; I am afraid of distance; I am afraid of hollowness; I am afraid of gray area...because they all bring the shadow back... they revive the devils from the spring of last year...

My past has never moved out from my house, and I am too weak and too cowardly to discard it myself. This shadow is everywhere, rendering me unable to convince myself that I will not fall and hurt myself when trying to move on.

I am graceful that I am able to meet you and like you, and would like to at least weave some dreams with you. But as for now, I am too weak to even hold a single needle to thread together a collage... Can you please help me? Hold my hands tight and tell me I am not alone. Tell me that the past is gone and the roads ahead is bright and glamorous. All I need is a trace of confidence and sense of safety... By then, my tears would stop, and the shadow would disperse... Can you help me?

I am sorry that I cannot provide you a relationship in which we can move on slowly as friends first... If you have to blame, please blame me and my useless emotions...