Selfishness?

I collapsed last night in tears. I miss her. I should have not broken up with her.

After looking back into this whoel relationship, I decided to broke up mainly because of my parents. I broke up with stella 50% for them and 50% because of them. Stella was never accepted in my family, and I knew it from the very first day we were together. I faught it, I denied it, but finally I realized it wouldnt work out. It is because of my parents' denail on stella that makes me lose the confidence of our future.

But that's not the only reason I gave her up. I ended this relationship to satisfy my parents' expectation. I sacrificed my own happiness to fulfill the family's will. I look to this as a huge devotion to my parents. I swallowed the suffer, the bitter, and the sadness into myself, and pretend everything is fine in front of not only my parents but my friends. But all I ask for is to leave me a quiet time to heal myself. I just need something to distract myself from touching this wound that would possibly never heals. The pain is there, I just dont want to show it.

I thought my parents would know it, and at least give me some more freedom on doing my own stuff. But last night, she said I'm selfish because I'm doing my own stuff most of the time instead of helping them out. That was it. I was stunned in front of my computer, speechless.

Selfish? I gave up stella to cater to your own selfishness. You always treat politics and other matters with emotions more than with rationalities. You were the one with most denials on this relationship beside my dad. You were the one who always tried to convince me to put an end on this whole thing. And I did this for you. That is Your Selfishness, and I gave up My Love to satisfy Your Selfishness.

You seemed very detached from matters like love relationships, but it doesnt mean that just because I am your son I should behave the same way. Love means a lot to me, and to give it up takes away a large part from me, too. You thought it's nothing only because I didnt cry in front of you often enough. But to be honest, I bleed more than you can see. All the games I played and the chit-chats I had on msn are just a way to cover up my loneliness, and you say that is my selfishness. Just to your knowledge, that really has hurt me more than you can ever think of.

And another thing you probably dont know is, even up to today, when stella has already found another boyfreind, she still cares about me. She still cares. She tried to fill up my emptiness by doing small things around me. This is True Love. This is wut I have given up for your selfishness. And everytime I think of her and the little things she has done for me, I cry. If you know that, you wouldnt have said that last night. But sadly, I doubt you even have tried thinking about it.

My tears means nothing to you, and my pain means nothing to you. The more I tell you about my suffer the more you are going to ignore it and deal more damage on me. But it's ok. My wound would never heal; just because you hurt me a bit more doesnt make the pain worse anymore. However, like I have decided, I will never in my life talk to you about my romance anymore. I regret breaking up with stella, and you were the one who was pushing me to sever out my heart. Last night, I finally, 100% centainly, realized that I should not have listen to you.

But i know it's too late. Stella has already moved on. Now the only thing i can do is to bury my regret in the cementry in my heart, and move on without anyone's help.

Tonight, I deeply, painfully understood what is the true meaning of selfishness.

Meaningless

This is not about my romance relationship anymore. This is about my life, my goddamn life.

Recently, I am living on the verge of breaking out a fierce anger at my parents. This is what I have sacrificed to maintain the peacefulness in our family: I gave up stella, gave up my 2-year-old relationship to cater to your needs. In fact, I shouldnt say sacrificed. I just gave up.

Starting from the beginning of this relationship I was experiencing extreme pressure from them. They are telling me it's my choice, they dont want to interfere with it. However, the more they claim so, the more I felt being scolded and isolated. They sounded like I have done something wrong, sounded like they already know we are going to break up. But here is what they dont know: The reason I broke up with stella after all, was to make them happy. I gave up a nice girl to be a nice son for them. And what do I get? Nothing but sadness. And they still think I should have been over with it, because they dont think stella is a girl worthwhile for me to love her.

Just because of this, I am very very disappointed with my parents. I knew from the very beginning that it is my parents who are the real political extremists. Stella is just a minor case compare to them. Every single day, all I hear form my parents are politics and their self-centered opinions about politics. They are too passionate, too overwhelmed with politics, and I knew it from the beginning, just like I knew about stella's hastiness on politics too.

I am very fed up with it now, especially after seeing them showing no care on my needs for the past weeks. I lost my faith in believing that they at least understand me. After all, even they do, they tend to work against it instead of with it. They all thought it's their right way to treat their son, but little they know im still very hurt inside. Every single bit of careless talk and every single bit of commanding tone is deepening my wound. I bleed, I cry, I suffer, but they dont see it. They as my parents aren't even capable of seeing a trace of it. Not even attempting to either.

So, I'm sure they haven't noticed the fact that I stop sharing my lifes with them. They dont know stella has a new boyfriend, they dont know I'm still looking for another girl, they dont know every single night I suffer loneliness and have lost energy in doing everything. They dont know part of me is still wandering out there, collecting the ash and dust of my shattered heart. I dont want them to see it anymore, because I dont get the love and care I need from them. There is no point telling them anything anymore. Meaningless.

I am thankful for their love, but I just can't take it. It's too much of a burden for me. Now I just want to be their "Nice Boy" at home for the remaining 10 months, and get out of this loveless place.

I didnt cry, but I did inside.

Miles Away from Reality

There is a simple reason I cant receive any support from my family.
In different life stages, a person needs different types of support. I am at the stage where romance would pose a much stronger positive effect than parential and peer love. However, all I heard from my parents and my relatives are that I now have more time concentrating on my studies, planning for my future. To me, this is tens of thousands of miles away from the reality im facing.

I've tried too many ways to seekan an alternative support from my family, but all I get from them are these advices that may be perfect for probably my 30s. Concentrate on my career, concentrate on my work, yap yap yap. Put it this way, if I have no clue how to do it, i wouldnt be standing at this very position in my life. I could have chosen to be a deprived high school drop-out, working 10 hours a day at McDonald's for a lowest-standard living. However, I have my self-esteem, and I know I have the makings to achieve significant goals. I know when to concentrate on my studies and when to strive for my career success. That is not what i need right now.

But even till today, even they know I am suffering it, they dont seem to realize that all I need is a tranquil life at home. My dad has always been commanding, bombasting, and very good at popping up something extremely untimely from his mouth. My mom apparently is more sensitive and tries to pacify me most of the time. But sometimes she forgets, and when she does that she usually does something much more damaging than my dad does. In some sense, I know they love me; it's just that the love they give me is thorned, and I just happened to be very hurt right now.

All their advices are unrealistic, and all their loves are only hurting me even more.

I was probably too naive, thinking that I can get closer to my family once I've become single again. I thought I can get the needed and timely support from my family, but all I have right now is a growing repulsion of "coming home". I still love my home, my parents, my comfy room and the welcoming bed. Just this whole atmosphere is completely out of phase with my mood.

So, my answer is certain now. Because my first hope of getting support from my family has failed me, I will get up and get going by myself. I don't care whether I would see my new gf as a replica of my ex, and I don't care that I have to say goodbye to her within less than an year. Right now, even a thin scent of romance would stop some of my pain, even a small trace of the feeling of belonging would reduce my suffering.

I won't wait for the missing piece to come to me anymore. Starting at this very moment, I am going to find the other half of my heart, myself.

Bond-Free

This relief comes way earlier than I expect. In fact, I didnt expect there will be any. But tonight, I am truly happy.

After the conversation with stella tonight, I sense that this friendship is refreshed. She still loves me, but she knows she has to move on, and she has to let me move on too. When i heard that, i certainly enjoys the best relief I have ever felt in the past two weeks.

After all, I worried too much, as usual. I can now see this friendship going on just fine; it wouldnt be full of ambiguous relationships and immoral love. Instead, we are really really close friends. I felt like we are still together, just obligation-free and full of mutual support. We are subliming our love to friendship, and I can see that happening now.

I am happy.

Is Friend Enough?

"Maybe It would be better that we dont tie each other down for now"
honestly, this is an excuse. I dont think five years, even ten years later, we will ever become lovers again. The odds are against us all the time, and I doubt things are gonna look better as time goes on. We are right to each other, just at the wrong time - nothing we can do about it.

"If we meant to be together, we will be together"
I am just pacifying her and myself. I said so to leave both of us the last trace of hope - a hope that has a very remote chance to live till we have a chance to meet each other in the future years.

However, i've let it be - we've let it be - because we know our love is still living.

So we are friends, but i know it's not gonna be a pure friendship. Our relationship is gonna lie across the boundary between lovers and friends. We will be friends who still have feelings with each other, and still have hopes with the withered romance. We wouldnt take care of each other for the sake of friendship; we do that for love. This is an immoral reincarnation of a dead love relationshp, and it lives on with pain and suffer.

Is it enough for you? Even if from the bottom of your heart you know we have no future? When i think in your perspective, I know it wouldnt be enough. It wouldnt be enough for me either. Nonetheless, we are just like fireflies dashing into the flame; we know this friendship is gonna eventually hurt both of us, but we are still willing to take it. It's so painful that everytime i think of it i feel my tears are pressing against my eyes.

Are we able to move on? Im sure after the talk last night, it would be ok - at least partially. But im sure even five years, ten years, twenty years have passed, even if we are married to other ones, we will still have feelings with each other.

I hope you have also forseen the future. We are in a friendship of mummified love and eternal pain. I am willing to take it, are you?

Blurry Boundary

What is the difference between a good male-female friendship and a good romance relationship? I honestly think there's none. (except possibly more intimacy) As a friend, I treat girl friends as kind and as natural as I do to regular boy friends - sharing thoughts, exchanging musics and comics and books, hanging out together, chatting on msn and making random jokes, give them timely helps, and etc. Healthy friendships are the cornerstones of a well-socialized life and, also very likely, a successful career.

I prefer to have a romance relationshp on top of a great friendship. A romance should consist of two people who understand each other well enough and are able to take care of each other. These qualities are already present in a close friendship, upon which a firm emotional bond can be formed between the two.

Thus, to me, a love relationship is just one-step above a friendship. The only boundary that delimits the two is intimacy.

But my value is somewhat shaken by the conversations took place between me and stella for the last two days. As I promised, I have become a good friend of stella. We are sharing songs, discussing "Nana" the popular anime (by the way it's a Terrific Anime! Go Watch It!), and chit-chatting. However, we have been doing these things since when we were together, and it appears to me that things havent changed before and after our breakup.

I understand it's mainly because we didnt break up because we hate each other. We still love each other, but we were forced to quit because of the reality. Nonetheless, I somehow can still sense that we are still in some awkward relationship. We used to, among all the chattings we have been doing, put in some intimate languages - flirting each other, having fun. Now, as we have broken up, these contents are supposed to be completely absent in our conversation - but they arent. They are still here and there and somehow too noticable.

We used to say "good night, sweet dreams, and love you" before one of us log off from msn at night. Yesterday, before I go to bed, she said "good night and sweet dreams". I was surprised. Do I ever say "sweet dreams" to a friend? yeah some of them... when I am trying to put myself in a better position to pursue them for a romance relationship. But a good friend? I doubt i would say anything like that. On top of that, there are more alluding hints of her love she has been trying to convey in her conversation. They are not that obvious, but I know they are there.

Thereafter, I couldnt help noticing that our breakup isnt that cut and dry. The scent of romance is still lingering between us, and I am afraid that if I go a little bit closer to her, we will accidently cross the boundary and start growing emotional dependancies on each other, and eventually end up with an awkward pseudo-romance relationship. It worries me, this blurry boundary.

Do I want to increase the distance between me and her? I think it's necessary, but I dont think it's something I wanna do if I want to keep up with my promise. Maybe I dont want to let her down again - that one is heartbreaking enough; at least this way I can amend part of her wound. Or, maybe somewhere in my heart I want this unseen romance to happen...I know it's wrong, but I dunno what to do to stop it from happening without furthermore hurting her.

Or maybe after all it's only me who is worrying about something that doesnt exist anymore.

For now, I am not able to tell...

Coffeestop Contemplations

Today, an exhausting wednesday afternoon, i am at Blenz across the street from SFU downtown campus, sipping a large decaf while waiting for the ModelSim to finish generating the VHDL simulation waveforms. Lengthy wait, indeed. That's why i have a bounty of free time examining over my personal perspective on love and romance.

I am by large not a player style, mainly because of my devoted attitude towards a romance relationship. I am a 40% Capricorn, 30% Scorpio, and 20% Pisces, and 10% of some other signs that have ignorant influences on my personality (I've been regurgetating this very same sentences for god-knows-how-many times); as a result, I treat my romance encounters with quite a bit of seriousness.

But dont get me wrong. I am witty, humourous, and easygoing as a friend or a boyfriend. I am talking about the attitude towards a relationship that I have. Before I elaborate on my long romance theory, I am gonna talk about how I look at those people who takes a careless attitude on love relationships, so-called Players.

Frankly, players are not meant to be players, even if they claim they are. They are so because, I believe, they are psychologically evasive: Afraid of being hurt, afraid of losing, afraid of giving out for something that is seemingly virtual - the Love itself. Under such a fear, they develop their hilarious theory of "true love never exists, why wasting time looking for it?". My translation for this comment is: "I dont want to pursue a happiness which will likely force me to face my fear." Never owned a true love, never feel the pain of losing it. Surely a perfect excuse.

However, I couldn't help laughing at these people. I admit that True Love doesn't exist on its own; it, nonetheless, blossoms into glamour with the sentimental efforts devoted from both the boy and the girl. Just like anything else in this world, how much you get reflects how much you have put in: good grades usually reflects hardworking, grand harvests reflects exceptional cares on crops - even your spotlessly beautiful face reflects uncountable minutes you spent on wearing makeups and exercising skincares. It's the very first Law of Microeconimics stating "nothing is free in this world; you have to give up something to have another".

I know i sound too econimists (here is my capricorn instinct looming large), but this is my viewpoint towards a Ture Love. It originates as an egocentric act - boys and girls come together for the enjoyment of being in a relationship (or some other purposes that i wouldnt wanna mention here). People get involved in relationships because they want to bring happiness to themselves, not necessarily to the their halves - human instinct, self-centered, impluse driven.

However, as the relationship progresses onward, both sides will gradually gain trusts and comfortness from each other; as a result, this barrier of selfishness starts to crumble down. How this can happen? First of all, when the two share a mutual trust, the sense of safety gives them confidence towards their relationship, in which they would feel worthwhile contributing without worries. This confidence in turns propels them to devote more into the relationship - not to make himself or herself, but both of them happy. Gradually, the barrier of selfishness turns into what those players dont believe to exist - the True Love.

True Love is very often way too over-decorated by romance novels and dramas in which Adam and Eve fall in love so hard on each other like tomorrow is the end of the world. Simply Unreal. The real making of True Love under its sugar coating is an intangible bond supported by mutual trusts and confidences between the two. This bond can be so strong that the two live their lives as a whole - every single decision one makes will not be solely for himself, but for the two of them. The boy does something, no matter joyful or painful, to make him and his girlfriend better off, and vise versa. Selfishness still exists - not for oneself, but for the couple as a whole.

This is True Love、a selfishness for the two.

NEVERTHELESS, I really have to exaggerate here, I have made a really critical assumption two paragraphs above: True Love forms under trust. When the two dont trust each other, True Love doesnt pop up from nowhere; it wont be sitting there waiting for you to pick it up. Zip, Period.

Players are naive and evasive. They dont believe the existance of true love simply because they dont have trust in people. They are very reluctant in contributing to a relationship because they fear that they get nothing in return. As a result, they ground themselves in the box of selfishness、preventing the barrier from tumbling.

Things get even more mocking as they explain to themselves that "no True Love exists". If you dont contribute into a relationship, dont expect to get any return from it. A relationship is a matter of two people coming together; you dont trust the other, dont expect the other to trust you. This is the fact, this is the fundamental matter of a healthy relationship, and is exactly what you are chickening away from.

And excuse me of being rude here, it's not that the true love doesnt exist; it's you players' attitude that stops your true love from forming. If you haven't even attempted to obtain a True Love, you are basically outsiders and are not qualified to comment on the existance of it; if you cant trust people, you dont deserve true love. And finally, if you cant even realize this simple fact, there are no better words than "naive" and "childish" I can think of to describe you.

I believe the existance of true love because I have had it. I was never afraid of giving out, and I was never afraid of trusting my other half. I believe in her, and I try to bring her comfortness and happiness. She tried to do the samething for me. And there, we had it, the precious diamond that some dont believe in.

So, back to my story. There was one day when someone told me, in order to not get hurt so badly, dont get into a relationship too deep. I didnt like his idea at all. A relationship without devotion means no trust, and Sorry I dont Buy a Box of Chocolate without Chocolate inside. A shallow relationship means nothing to me; this kind of relationship attracts only those players, and i think it would somehow turn me into a player too. And obviously, I hate players, not to mention being one. If I want a relationship, I want true love with it, and I am gonna strive for it with all the things I have. (yeah, typical scorpio)

Today, the 10th day of being a single engineering science undergrad in vancouver, I reassured my value towards romance. I am sure I made the right decision for both of us, and I believe until the end of our lives, we will still be cherishing the remaining traces of the true love we have had. I have no regret being in this relationship, and I wont be having any in my life. My journey of seeking another true love resumes as I finishes the last drop of my decaf in the paper cup.

Casino Captivation

Yeah...Gambling ain't cool.

As i said two months ago, our company moved to Coquitlam for a reason.
I thought this reason is Chirslena, but time only proves me naive.
The real reason, as apparent as it can be, is the Casino right beside our office.
Last Friday i hung out with my university buddies at the casino for an hr playing the 2-cent slot machine, dreaming to bring home the Nissan Infiniti presented at the main entrance of the casino.
It turned out each of us only won 5 bucks...well, at least we won eh? We werent like those casino-doped frenzies who got their asses super-glued to the seats around the blackjack table until the end of the world, handing their lifetime fortune over to the casino. We were all good.

But yeah, right. The real consequence emerges today when I walked by the casino during lunch break..."Yeah 5 bucks is enough eh? I guess i can have a small casino break...big deal~"

There I went into the casino again, like a stupid chimp attracted by the bait. And guess wut? I lost! I lost 20 bucks! I was soo happy that i cant afford to buy my lunch today!

Wait...I didnt mean happy...I mean stunned...

Yeah...the only thought I had as I walked out the door was: "Never Come Back Again!"
Hopefully I wont betray my own promise.

Happi Single

Im sure it worths a dozen of beers to cheer for being a single again, at least for a guy who's hopelessly intoxicated with romance relationship like me.

This is the fourth day since I broke up with stella in tears of sorrow, and I promised myself that from now on, I will live for myself, strong and proud and confident and free of sadness and remorse. From now on, the empty spot beside me is not reserved for anyone anymore. My love and passion will be distributed evenly among my friends, my family, and myself.

However, quoted from "Ai yori Aoshi" (a monsterous rip-off cheapass jap romance anime), "I strive for the prosperty of my life for a sole reason of my beloved other half, even though i dunno who he/she is yet." I am always ready for the right one. When the time comes, the right person will fit into this spot beside me, like Cinderella fitting into her glass heels. Thereafter, I will embark on the quest for another eternal happiness with her.

Astalavista my kitten, Bon Voyage my single life

Discrimination

She has never failed you, my friend, with her
Twisted magic to turn you into the foulest monster
Possessed with the blind hatred and the sinister
Abomination that blasphemes the most pristine hearts of mankind.

She boils down your innermost innocence and kindness,
Imprisons your soul with the devilish cages of thorns and barbs,
Rips apart the firmest friendships and the holiest kinships of yours, and
Mars you senseless to the fairest benevolence from mankind.

She handed over to you, the bloodiest potion of fued, that
Destroys the ever-lasting tranquility and severs the peaceful society;
Like a contageous disease trickling down your vessels with immorality.
You, the Disciple of hers, is now destined to bring torture to mankind.

But don't forget, my friend, that only You have the control
To escape from the wicked shadow of her cursed citadal.
May your catharsis sublimes you from the sea of sin, and help perserve
The last trace of purity in the diminishing Utopia of mankind.

Contrast

Colours never appear vivid without
Highly exaggerated contrasts.
Remenance upon the canvas ravished with
Intrinsic Intolerance, Impostrous Tranquility, and
Superstitious Discrimination - I surrendered to perpetual darkness.

Lengthy night yet finally fades with my serendipitous
Encounter of the bright and innocent masterpiece:
No dirty spots of Political Extremism and Disgracing Fakeness -
A truthful, heavenly aura leading me out of the maze of murkiness.

"Shall my heart embrace thy immaculate beauty"
"Shall thy heart embraceth my immense sincerity"

- Keith Raiter