尋找最後一顆種子

春暖
只是花還未開

隱約聞到了玫瑰茉莉花的淡然飄香
隱約看見了千葉萬脈間的含苞待放

萬紫千紅藏在黑土下
等待 最後一顆種子的出現
等待 花與草之間更自然的互動
等待 花苞能夠無憂無慮地綻放

等待 白色浪漫的那一天
最後一顆種子方會帶起
千紅萬縷的燦爛

要相信什麼？

瞬息萬變
昨天下定的決心
今天可能就事與願違

紫微裡訴說的似假非真
星相裡斷言的模稜兩可
看在眼裡
理當笑在心底
因盡信其言不如無其言

對自己沒信心
只不過是為自己找犯錯的藉口
或許兩年很長
或許一輩子不再回到Mount Pleasant
可是沒有發生的事情
誰都難預料會怎麼發展
也許今朝萍水相逢
明夜卻成比翼
相隨奔走天涯海角

命越算越薄
越猜越淡
無非自己日夜瞎操心
該來的總會來
該抓住的總要抓住
不如
相信眼前看到的事物
相信命運所指的方向
如此活出自己

武曲貪狼

我寧可生做武曲
果斷理性堅持不懈
又寧可生做貪狼
溫柔感性四處留情
偏偏單星主位今生難求
雙星共主成就了我自相矛盾的個性

武曲使然，我知道我追求穩定
貪狼驅鶩，所以我也嚮往自由
可是
明明想享受單身的快樂
卻不懂得把持住單身的界線
明明想放縱內心的狂野
卻不由自主瞻前顧後

穩定不是來自放縱
自由不會生自猶豫
我自己再清楚不過
可是我卻下定不了決心
要當個貪狼
還是做個武曲

或許我只需要一個觸發點
就能利用武曲的果斷
為自己打開貪狼的魂眼

那個觸發點
是不是越來越近了？
我似乎感覺到了

本月星座命盤省思

看了這麼多星座命盤，或多或少也頗有心得，以後應該會在這上頭寫寫吧~

截錄：
Capricorns十月的第一周，感情方面將不會有多大進展，反而是個人成長趨於明顯
而這樣的個人成長，正好為了十月中即將來到的Serious Romance Hit打上好的基礎
接近十月中開始，一些近來想要實現的事情會慢慢實現，感情方面將會出現大的進展
尤其是十七到十九號之間，將會有大號的驚喜
可是讓Capricorns此月煩惱的感情事也不小
本月Capricorns會面臨「既然我對她沒意思，為什麼還跟她走這麼近」的迷思
但Capricorns本月出奇地強的細心與耐心，卻避免了妄下定論的草率結果
為此迷惑時，Capricorns可以試著問自己，「和她走這麼近，是不是有別的原因？」
面對真心，別太去催眠自己，答案實際上就在轉角，呼之欲出

對我來說，十月的第一周確實是一個人生的里程碑
十月四號的畢業典禮，也將引領我打開人生旅程的下一道大門
人際關係也將慢慢由跟隨者轉成領導者的角色
要開始學習為自己的人生打算
這些確實都是很重要的個人成長

我的人生在大二之後進入了停滯狀態
像極了宋朝偏安的王室，得過且過，認為人生這樣就足夠了
所以吉他鋼琴練到沒歌練，出去唱歌唱到荷包空空
連到了前兩個禮拜，還在死抓著空殼子在手裡把玩，邊玩邊感傷
直到最後看破了，方知自己的傻，方知回憶的假
這樣的人生，我不敢相信我自己曾經覺得滿足

可是與Kelly和Yunni的相遇，緩衝了我悲憤難平的情感
至少，在禮拜六下午晴朗無雲的時候，知道自己就近可以找到兩個有趣的玩伴
周五的Salsa Night更讓我對交際舞蹈有了新的認知與理解
在Quick Quick Slow的前後搖擺間
和Betrica輕鬆地聊起了天，肢體接觸也變得自然
和Tricia雙手相握，隨著Merengue的熱情音樂，跳起了曖昧的Lap-to-Lap
就連身邊不知名的日本女孩，我也自然而然地與她跳起了舞，說起了我那口還能聽的日文

這是我從小以來鮮少接觸的，另一個社交圈
可是周五後，我開始後悔我沒有早點接觸
那是一個與我熱愛的音樂，一體兩面而存在的藝術
和音樂一般有著個人化的風格，卻比水彩素描更富有自我
在拉丁風味的韻律節奏裡，充滿自由自在的發揮空間
以最自然最原始的方式，不著痕跡地架起心與心的橋梁
因此我下定決心要苦練基礎步伐
要花心思精益求精
更想要在這短短兩個月以內，學會更多的舞蹈

十月初的雨滴已經悄然落下
卻意外地滋潤了乾涸的心靈
我終於意識到要從井裡探出頭
看看外頭的世界
對未來，也開始記得怎麼期待

飛鳥與蒲公英

萬綠叢中一點白
蒲公英浸在陽光微風裡
享受簡單的美麗
只要專注自己的成長
只要期待春風一起
便可自由自在飛上天

蒼穹無際一雙翼
飛鳥乘著東來的五月風
眺望遠方的伊甸
知道專注自己的目標
知道因為有著目的
才能自由自在天上飛

蒲公英知道如何飛
卻忘了自己是為了灑籽撥種而飛
所以知道恣意享受簡單
卻沒能乘著東風
與飛鳥抵達遙遠的伊甸

飛鳥和蒲公英的相遇
就像珊瑚海邊的海鳥和魚
不過只是一場意外

御姐戰爭開始！？

不是開玩笑的，我看我真的可能會變成御姐戰爭的導火線...
今天下午在Downtown翻完最後一篇數學教材後，走去了人滿為患的公車站等19路~
就跟預期一樣，19路到站時整台爆滿，擠了五個人就走了~
留下站牌旁十幾個人痴等下一班車...

我老早就看慣這種場面了~
想要搭上公車，就往前走道Granville Pacific Mall前面的站牌，保證有位子坐~
可是才沒走個幾步，肩膀卻被輕拍~
轉頭一看，是氣喘吁吁的Kelly~
"I saw the bus and I ran, but there were too many people"
我就笑著帶他去下一站等車了~
公車上聊了天南地北，我實在沒想到一個韓國女生居然可以一下中文一下英文跟我抬槓~
不過也是因為這樣，才知道了他是Christian~
也難怪他對人多了幾分平常韓國年輕女生沒有的親切~
走到他Homestay家門，碰巧遇見了她的Homestay Mom，也就順便寒喧問好聊了聊~
不過說也巧，這位轟媽一語驚人:
"Oh Scott! Kelly and Yunni both mentioned about you as that nice guy at the basketball court."
眼角餘光看見了Kelly有小小尷尬~ LOL
趕緊順勢跟Kelly道了一聲謝謝，然後與轟媽道別回家了~

晚上練球時，果然又只有Yunni出來~
"Kelly is in downtown again~ I am alone again~"
Yunni他總是半帶慵懶又無奈地跟我說~
前兩天發現灌小學另一邊高的籃框，是一件很有意思的事~
今天就多玩了幾個切入灌籃的花招~
打個二十幾分鐘後，回頭看看Yunni好像也有打算要聊天的樣子，就索性轉身去找Yunni問候~
這一問候，就聊了十幾分鐘，也才知道Yunni也是個相當會聊天的女孩~
果然在Reeboks市場部工作，就是不太一樣~ LOL
前兩天還說自己沒有Kelly一樣外向，根本就是說著客套的~
Yunni趕在八點American's Next Top Model開始之前，趕緊道晚安準備回家了~
"See you tomorrow~"
她這麼笑著說~ 好像我明天一定也會出現在籃球場上一樣~

不過...明天下雨呢~
下次要再見，我看也要一個禮拜吧~
接下來的相遇，就要端看到底我與哪位御姐更有緣了~
可是她們轟媽的口氣，讓我感到有些擔心...
一個不小心，我可真要成了御姐戰爭的導火線了~@_@

不是不懂

也許只是忘了
人與人之間要留有三分餘地
一句話出口前要三思
要記得設身處地
要讓話說了出去對得起自己
不會為此後悔

那是我從國中開始
漸漸體會的道理
人是感情的動物
有著腦下垂體驅動全身的喜怒哀樂
表現感情固然可以
可要忘了一句話帶著兩面鋒
結果必然不好
回想兩位國中同學為了考試成績
大打出手
相互叫罵
終至老死不相往來
最後只追逤到
開始的一句無心之語
只想表現自己的情緒
卻因為逞那一時口舌之快
失去了從小學以來要好的感情

是啊
我們都知道這番道理
都知道人際關係是靠著
處處留人餘地
句句設身處地
才能一磚一瓦搭建起來的
可是要一個不小心
即使是無心地忘記了
這樣一句話
就算是天高的樓也會坍塌殆盡
光看我爸與他三十年的老同學
一句無心的玩笑便鬧翻臉
於此可見幾分

這樣的態度
最終出自人與人之間的基本尊重
記得兩年前Nike球鞋廣告
為北美黑人中下階層社會
下了一個最好的註腳
「Respect」
儘管那些街頭Rappers看去再怎麼兇神惡煞
再怎麼不可一世
相互見面依然是以尊重為上
這樣的一幕
和中華文化裡的謙卑唯恭
儼然有異曲同工之妙

今天突然心血來潮
午夜兩點寫了這些
也是回想了過去小學國中
發生過的種種不快
才知道自己當初的不成熟
才知道現在也該引以為鑑
砥礪自己
別讓自己一個不小心
落入了人際紛爭的窠臼

"So where has Kelly been these days? At home?"
"No. She went to Rockey Mountain for this weekend~"
Yuni跳著繩回答我。

啊~ Rockey Mountain~
來了加拿大七年又兩個月的我
在北美的旅遊範圍
最西只到Victoria
最東只到Chilliwack
最北只到Whistler
最南只到Tacoma
而這些來溫哥華留學的小妹們
在Downtown唸不到一個月的語言學校
就已經徹底打敗我了~ @-@
As a Canadian, I failed myself silly...orz

昨天跟Olivia在線上聊了兩個多小時
聽他在Stanford的頭一個學期
一個人住Dorm的連筐趣事
搞得我也好想趕緊飛去東岸開始獨居
落地第一目標就是搞一部車
然後開始我企劃已久的Ebay Store
在當地接些家教學生
多混些社團活動認識更多朋友
晚上才能有酒同歡有歌同唱
啊啊~~~~~~~~

我已經聞到展翅高飛的清香~

我的改變

缺少，所以追尋
我為寫在這裡的這段故事打下了句點
然後開了下一個章節
新的故事給了讀者一個新的世界觀
新的人物，新的舞台，新的氛圍
就連主角，都是新的

新的劇本隱然否決了陳舊延滯
新的抬頭毅然撕下了碎裂畫布
方才劃破血色的兩把銀匕
也在岩男潤子Scarlet曲後
為我碎了棄稿的廢紙
為我開了桌前的璃窗

劇中遊樂園缺少的陽光重現了
多虧編劇決定取下黑藍色的天幕
暗紅色鑰盒也褪了光
取而代之的是敞開的園區大門
讓新的一章充滿了更多的活力和生氣

這裡是天堂
正在追尋快樂的真諦

掉了

啊
我似乎在岔路後的顛簸卵石路上
掉了一本繪著比翼鷺的珍貴筆記
灑了一地想要重修的蘋果紅拼圖
忘了一份打下輪廓的藍圖草稿

從岔路另一頭長來的薔薇
絆了我一路昏頭轉向
刺了我一身刻骨銘心
掉了我一只抑鬱思緒

所以走吧
選擇更東的岔路
選擇與薔薇和血色漸行漸遠
選擇點頭微笑寒喧帶過
選擇不再擔心受怕
選擇心之所向的彼方

啊
我想我忘了我掉了什麼了

你相信嗎？

儘管只有短短三個月
一點信心
一點努力
或許真的會有奇蹟出現

已經不再抓住過去
仰望即見的藍天早已不占心中一席
已經不再欺騙自己
隨手可及的草莓早已不復以往香甜
不想要隨便為自己立下誓言
不想要輕易為自己設下目標
遊戲人生的眼光
觀望身邊一切

但溫哥華呀
這個宿命之地
總選在人們最不設防
最淨心無欲的時候
給了近在咫呎卻不可強求的機運
只有在九月楓落才逢迎
天時、地利、人和

知道只剩短短三個月
-> 可是她也只有半年
知道語言文化會有隔閡
-> 可是她是中文系學生
知道我或許不是她的歸宿
-> 可是路不走不知盡頭在何處
所以我願意相信嗎？
我還不知道
因為我需要
多一點信心
多一點努力

或許
真的會有奇蹟出現...

原來是這樣

你的無心之語在我心中寫下一面又一面灰色日記
你的直言不遜在我心中刪劃一個又一個悔恨不捨
我的擔心一直浮現檯面，我的疑問一直化做惶恐
原來是這樣，原來我看到的不是真實的你

選擇性的倚賴，選擇性的欺瞞
選擇性的溺愛，選擇性的放縱
選擇性的強顏歡笑，選擇性的壓抑情緒
選擇性的偏袒保護，選擇性的逃避現實

難道藏在這些面具下的，這才是真實的你？
活在象牙塔裡的到底是我還是你？
被蒙在鼓裡直到最後一刻的人是我還是你？

原來是這樣
原來我早就看到你真實的一面，只是我欺騙了我自己
原來我就是不敢面對真實的你，所以選擇了隱瞞現實
原來那另一半的壓力，是來自於害怕面對真實的你

那麼，你問我還後悔嗎？
我只說，蟬鳴已經逝了，樹下已無蔭了，冰淇淋已經融了
只剩滿地的紅色玻璃碎片

縫上嘴巴

我不會說的，這輩子沒有人可以知道...
這一年，把過去二十二年沒學會的，不能說的事情，一次學得差不多了...
心情，不能說，因為身邊的人不是忽略，就是認為自做多情...
需求，不能說，因為身邊的人總是以他們的立場，預設你的需要只是多餘...
思念，不能說，因為身邊的人不是早已淡忘，就是不想要我再想起...
為難，不能說，因為不管怎麼做，總要犧牲一方的快樂...


所以，你說我自私，對自己人小氣，對外面人大方...
我回答「嗯」...心裡卻知道沒有這樣做...

所以，你問我為什麼老是花錢在外玩樂...
我回答「嗯」...心裡卻知道想要逃避孤單...

所以，你問我還有多少事情沒告訴你...
我回答「就這樣了」...心裡卻知道還有好多要自己努力彌補...

所以，你告訴我你會幫我...
我回答「我自己可以...」...心裡卻想著，不想要再造成任何人的負擔了...


因為好多話，不能說了...
我知道多說一句話，就會留給你們更多的空間，回頭傷我...
越親近的人，越少了設身處地的心思，越忘了哪些話能說，哪些話不能說...
一路走來看了這麼多，才知道原來最自我中心的人，就在身邊...

所以我想著，我還能跟你們說什麼呢？



...至此打不出字了

成長

當初在尋找太陽的她，現在已經昇華成了藍天...
不知道她是不是更成熟了？不知道她是不是更穩重了？
像藍天一般，永遠對著大地微笑著...
儘管有時烏雲蔽日，雲上的她還是掛著一抹藍色的笑靨...
太陽沒有離開，只是因為與藍天本就相距兩個行星，只能遠遠地看著藍天的笑...

對藍天來說，成長或許太過艱苦殘酷了...
可是藍天撐過了艱苦，忍過了殘酷，走出了短暫的黑夜...
成長，為藍天帶來更溫和的美麗...

但太陽，成長了嗎？
太陽雖然散發著無盡的光熱，卻無法擺脫處在黑暗太空裡的孤獨...
所以帶上了刺眼的面具，笑容裡頭只有虛假...
成長，讓太陽漸漸學會怎麼逃避現實...
可是這樣的成長...正在一點一滴扼殺太陽的純真...

「如果長大這麼痛苦，早知道永遠不要長大了...」

變了

這是第一篇中文的Entry...是一個轉變...變了多少我自己也不知道。

昨天和Iris在線上聊了一下，似乎讓他原本低落的心情有些好轉。他說他也想像我一樣，不管面對多少壓力都能很快樂，還能帶給別人快樂。

「每個人本來都有帶給大家快樂的能力，只是因為這個社會加諸太多壓力於我們，導致我們的本性一一變形了...」我這麼告訴著她，無心間卻又讓自己進了省視的迴圈。

我想，想要知道一個人快不快樂，最簡單的方法就是直言相問。
「你快樂嗎？」
還在學校裡打滾的我們，沒有多少理由會對這樣缺乏侵略性的問題，故意撒謊。
可是，拿這個問題問自己，卻接連觸發了逃避和畏懼的反應。
我想我也不例外。

昨天我又問我自己了，我快樂嗎？
可對這個問題，我已經相當地洩氣，已經不敢再隨便問自己了...
因為我已經忘記上一次我真心地回答「快樂！」的日子...

我確實知道我不快樂，但我卻太過執著，沒想過要讓人知道。
因為無關緊要的人知道了，又能幫我多少？
因為牽連在內的人知道了，又能挽回多少？
所以我私下在尋找倚靠，希望能早點走出黑暗...

可是，就像在溺水時一樣，不管什麼東西都會想要抓...
偏偏浮木就是不在身旁，一不小心就容易抓到帶刺的魚兒...

或許吧，每個人都會偽裝，也許因為害怕，也許因為矜持...
害怕受傷誰都會，可是為此連付出都不敢，與因噎廢食又有何異？
我不確定花那麼多心力保護自己，最後卻讓旁人想要做個深交的朋友都很難，這樣的得失比例是不是有點失衡過當...
因為一個簡單的解釋，比起打結腸子繞彎講話，甚或根本不提細節，並不會讓自己失去自衛的防線，反而可以取得別人的信任...就算是那麼一點點，也比什麼都不說來得好。
姑且不提男女朋友，就連好朋友間，也不會有這種保留七分，含糊兩分，小吐一分的這種互動方式...
若是互動模式僅止於這樣，不如只做服務員和客人，寒喧兩句逢場做戲，交易完成後此生互不相干...

我想我最後追求的快樂，又只是一個短暫的幻影，只是我又一次自己在騙我自己，走下去就能離開黑暗...

和Iris的對話讓我想了很多...
我是不是不夠自私？感情事上往往一頭熱付出過多，然後又會自我催眠，告訴自己這樣值得...最後才知道自己騙了自己，然後又回到一年前的黑暗...
或是我是不是太過自私？是不是我與外界的光明隔絕太久了，上了太多粉飾和偽裝，已經忘了該怎麼與人正常互動？

我不知道，但是我已經決定要改變...
心房，暫時闔了吧...自己知道那樣的美麗燦爛，短時間不會再找到了，也就不用讓傷口上的刺再度刺傷自己了...
心防，可以開了吧...別讓自己隨便掉下坑裡了。身邊太多的假象和虛偽，碰了不過就是讓自己更加受傷而已...

不要再問我快不快樂了...只有命中注定的人能知道，也只會是他來痊癒我的傷口...

Awake and Alone

July 8th was full of anxiety and anger and anguish. I was awake, the only one in this world.

Everybody around me smiles as if nothing has happened. Everybody around me takes this day as another ordinary peaceful sunday. Those in this house have forgot about it; they thought it's trivial and negligible, as they had always thought. Those on msn were, either faking or else, also forgot about it; the lonelies have found the docking deck, and the spectators have left for their own business. Everyone else in this world has slept into a graceful dream, and I am the only one awake and continuing putting together my own shattered heart.

No my tears have never breached my eyelids, because I have given my best effort to stop it. But the ignorance from them were too lethal. The carelessness, the abruptness, they added up so quickly, my mind stopped working. I tried to stop the shadow, and I tried to convince myself that I can soon be in sleep like everybody else. However, it didn't happen. No one in the house tried to understand what has happened, and to at least leave me a peace of mind. And I don't feel like bothering anyone from their deep sleep on msn.

I'd rather keep my sadness inside so that everyone else can be happy.

However, your care has come in a timely fashion. Your simple msn message today told me with certainty that you are there now. Because of you, I know that someone is calling me to sleep, and someone would be there weaving a dream with me. It's you who fed me with strength, and I'm not worried anymore about how long I have to wait, and how long we can stay in the dream, because i know soon I wont be awake and alone anymore.

Peach, thank you for being there.

Hold Me Tight

Im sure you dunno yet, cause we are actually not that far down from newly met.

Within less than one week, the day that means too much to me would hit me so hard, I probably would have lost myself. It's happening.

I told you I was pretty down this sunday, but i didnt really tell you exactly why. It's getting close to me again, the shadow. Since last friday I have been crying every single night, cause the day where the shadow has come into my life is approaching again.

But I understand very clearly that, there is nothing wrong with taking slow steps with you. After all, because im taking this seriously, i am always supposed to be taking you as my top priority; do as much as I can to protect you and make you happy. However, the only thing wrong right now is my cowardliness and weakness. I am afraid of uncertainty; I am afraid of distance; I am afraid of hollowness; I am afraid of gray area...because they all bring the shadow back... they revive the devils from the spring of last year...

My past has never moved out from my house, and I am too weak and too cowardly to discard it myself. This shadow is everywhere, rendering me unable to convince myself that I will not fall and hurt myself when trying to move on.

I am graceful that I am able to meet you and like you, and would like to at least weave some dreams with you. But as for now, I am too weak to even hold a single needle to thread together a collage... Can you please help me? Hold my hands tight and tell me I am not alone. Tell me that the past is gone and the roads ahead is bright and glamorous. All I need is a trace of confidence and sense of safety... By then, my tears would stop, and the shadow would disperse... Can you help me?

I am sorry that I cannot provide you a relationship in which we can move on slowly as friends first... If you have to blame, please blame me and my useless emotions...

Selfishness?

I collapsed last night in tears. I miss her. I should have not broken up with her.

After looking back into this whoel relationship, I decided to broke up mainly because of my parents. I broke up with stella 50% for them and 50% because of them. Stella was never accepted in my family, and I knew it from the very first day we were together. I faught it, I denied it, but finally I realized it wouldnt work out. It is because of my parents' denail on stella that makes me lose the confidence of our future.

But that's not the only reason I gave her up. I ended this relationship to satisfy my parents' expectation. I sacrificed my own happiness to fulfill the family's will. I look to this as a huge devotion to my parents. I swallowed the suffer, the bitter, and the sadness into myself, and pretend everything is fine in front of not only my parents but my friends. But all I ask for is to leave me a quiet time to heal myself. I just need something to distract myself from touching this wound that would possibly never heals. The pain is there, I just dont want to show it.

I thought my parents would know it, and at least give me some more freedom on doing my own stuff. But last night, she said I'm selfish because I'm doing my own stuff most of the time instead of helping them out. That was it. I was stunned in front of my computer, speechless.

Selfish? I gave up stella to cater to your own selfishness. You always treat politics and other matters with emotions more than with rationalities. You were the one with most denials on this relationship beside my dad. You were the one who always tried to convince me to put an end on this whole thing. And I did this for you. That is Your Selfishness, and I gave up My Love to satisfy Your Selfishness.

You seemed very detached from matters like love relationships, but it doesnt mean that just because I am your son I should behave the same way. Love means a lot to me, and to give it up takes away a large part from me, too. You thought it's nothing only because I didnt cry in front of you often enough. But to be honest, I bleed more than you can see. All the games I played and the chit-chats I had on msn are just a way to cover up my loneliness, and you say that is my selfishness. Just to your knowledge, that really has hurt me more than you can ever think of.

And another thing you probably dont know is, even up to today, when stella has already found another boyfreind, she still cares about me. She still cares. She tried to fill up my emptiness by doing small things around me. This is True Love. This is wut I have given up for your selfishness. And everytime I think of her and the little things she has done for me, I cry. If you know that, you wouldnt have said that last night. But sadly, I doubt you even have tried thinking about it.

My tears means nothing to you, and my pain means nothing to you. The more I tell you about my suffer the more you are going to ignore it and deal more damage on me. But it's ok. My wound would never heal; just because you hurt me a bit more doesnt make the pain worse anymore. However, like I have decided, I will never in my life talk to you about my romance anymore. I regret breaking up with stella, and you were the one who was pushing me to sever out my heart. Last night, I finally, 100% centainly, realized that I should not have listen to you.

But i know it's too late. Stella has already moved on. Now the only thing i can do is to bury my regret in the cementry in my heart, and move on without anyone's help.

Tonight, I deeply, painfully understood what is the true meaning of selfishness.

Meaningless

This is not about my romance relationship anymore. This is about my life, my goddamn life.

Recently, I am living on the verge of breaking out a fierce anger at my parents. This is what I have sacrificed to maintain the peacefulness in our family: I gave up stella, gave up my 2-year-old relationship to cater to your needs. In fact, I shouldnt say sacrificed. I just gave up.

Starting from the beginning of this relationship I was experiencing extreme pressure from them. They are telling me it's my choice, they dont want to interfere with it. However, the more they claim so, the more I felt being scolded and isolated. They sounded like I have done something wrong, sounded like they already know we are going to break up. But here is what they dont know: The reason I broke up with stella after all, was to make them happy. I gave up a nice girl to be a nice son for them. And what do I get? Nothing but sadness. And they still think I should have been over with it, because they dont think stella is a girl worthwhile for me to love her.

Just because of this, I am very very disappointed with my parents. I knew from the very beginning that it is my parents who are the real political extremists. Stella is just a minor case compare to them. Every single day, all I hear form my parents are politics and their self-centered opinions about politics. They are too passionate, too overwhelmed with politics, and I knew it from the beginning, just like I knew about stella's hastiness on politics too.

I am very fed up with it now, especially after seeing them showing no care on my needs for the past weeks. I lost my faith in believing that they at least understand me. After all, even they do, they tend to work against it instead of with it. They all thought it's their right way to treat their son, but little they know im still very hurt inside. Every single bit of careless talk and every single bit of commanding tone is deepening my wound. I bleed, I cry, I suffer, but they dont see it. They as my parents aren't even capable of seeing a trace of it. Not even attempting to either.

So, I'm sure they haven't noticed the fact that I stop sharing my lifes with them. They dont know stella has a new boyfriend, they dont know I'm still looking for another girl, they dont know every single night I suffer loneliness and have lost energy in doing everything. They dont know part of me is still wandering out there, collecting the ash and dust of my shattered heart. I dont want them to see it anymore, because I dont get the love and care I need from them. There is no point telling them anything anymore. Meaningless.

I am thankful for their love, but I just can't take it. It's too much of a burden for me. Now I just want to be their "Nice Boy" at home for the remaining 10 months, and get out of this loveless place.

I didnt cry, but I did inside.

Miles Away from Reality

There is a simple reason I cant receive any support from my family.
In different life stages, a person needs different types of support. I am at the stage where romance would pose a much stronger positive effect than parential and peer love. However, all I heard from my parents and my relatives are that I now have more time concentrating on my studies, planning for my future. To me, this is tens of thousands of miles away from the reality im facing.

I've tried too many ways to seekan an alternative support from my family, but all I get from them are these advices that may be perfect for probably my 30s. Concentrate on my career, concentrate on my work, yap yap yap. Put it this way, if I have no clue how to do it, i wouldnt be standing at this very position in my life. I could have chosen to be a deprived high school drop-out, working 10 hours a day at McDonald's for a lowest-standard living. However, I have my self-esteem, and I know I have the makings to achieve significant goals. I know when to concentrate on my studies and when to strive for my career success. That is not what i need right now.

But even till today, even they know I am suffering it, they dont seem to realize that all I need is a tranquil life at home. My dad has always been commanding, bombasting, and very good at popping up something extremely untimely from his mouth. My mom apparently is more sensitive and tries to pacify me most of the time. But sometimes she forgets, and when she does that she usually does something much more damaging than my dad does. In some sense, I know they love me; it's just that the love they give me is thorned, and I just happened to be very hurt right now.

All their advices are unrealistic, and all their loves are only hurting me even more.

I was probably too naive, thinking that I can get closer to my family once I've become single again. I thought I can get the needed and timely support from my family, but all I have right now is a growing repulsion of "coming home". I still love my home, my parents, my comfy room and the welcoming bed. Just this whole atmosphere is completely out of phase with my mood.

So, my answer is certain now. Because my first hope of getting support from my family has failed me, I will get up and get going by myself. I don't care whether I would see my new gf as a replica of my ex, and I don't care that I have to say goodbye to her within less than an year. Right now, even a thin scent of romance would stop some of my pain, even a small trace of the feeling of belonging would reduce my suffering.

I won't wait for the missing piece to come to me anymore. Starting at this very moment, I am going to find the other half of my heart, myself.